Well I'm still crook. Haven't seen the doc, but he is adamant that I stay on the Flagyl which is depressing enough. He's also prescribed me Prednisone again, this time higher than the dose he gave me when I was first diagnosed. Oh yeah, and I get to stay on the Humira. Don't quite know how he figures I need the flagyl, the test results came back saying I don't have an infection. Eh. I'm not the doc, am I?
Don't really feel much like a giant post today, just feeling like complete crap and feel like the fight's gone out of me. Why bother fighting something that's only going to keep on coming back? I know I'll wake up in a few days time and feel a little better, but right now I just wanted to tell the world I feel like shit. Self centred I know, but hey. When you have any sort of ongoing health issues I think you automatically qualify for the right to mope.
Showing posts with label head space. Show all posts
Showing posts with label head space. Show all posts
Monday, March 25, 2013
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Shakes and strawberries and fish, oh my!
Well damnit. Am attempting to lose the weight, as I've possibly made mention of a few times (or more than a few). Late December last year to Feb/March this year I was doing some shakes for breakkie and/or lunch. They were good, tasted nice, filled me up, started losing weight, yada yada yada.... (Celebrity Slim for anyone wondering) Sadly now, they're one of my biggest triggers for having a shitty day. Pun intended. So I have a drawer full of shakes that I pretty much can't use unless I want to dope myself up on Imodium (which is a God, all hail the mighty Imodium, bow down and offer your sacrifices...). Am exercising a bit though. And cutting back a lot on the junk food. Weights, crunches, and the stepper (could use a phone book, but have a smancy thing designed specifically for stepping on).....
Have discovered however that the old hag doesn't mind strawberries. Which is lovely, because I adore strawberries. Also have either tangerines or tangelos (bought them this morning, can't remember which they are) to try with it. Here's to hoping!
My little black moor has spots again, poor bugger. Meanwhile, he's proving himself to be the stubborn guts of the tank. I have different food for the catfish and the goldfish, so what does the black moor do? Eats the goldfish food, then hunts for the catfish food, finds it, and starts gorging himself on it, and ignoring me when I bash against the tank in an effort to get him to leave it alone. S'pose he takes after his owner a bit there... :)
My head's in an icky place lately. Home, work, being sick, just everything is getting on top of me. Trying to sort it out, currently failing epically.
Oh! Also! Do not try to beat up your work desk! Not only will it win that fight, but it will leave pretty colours on your knuckles. I may or may not know this from experience now... Colours include blue, black, purple and red. Still waiting for the yellow and green. :)
And I think I forgot to mention, finished the Twilight saga. Worth reading, even if it is just to laugh at the sparkly vampires. :D Gave it a five out of ten, mainly for the readability/page turner aspect of it. Good way to fill up your spare time for a few weeks.
Have discovered however that the old hag doesn't mind strawberries. Which is lovely, because I adore strawberries. Also have either tangerines or tangelos (bought them this morning, can't remember which they are) to try with it. Here's to hoping!
My little black moor has spots again, poor bugger. Meanwhile, he's proving himself to be the stubborn guts of the tank. I have different food for the catfish and the goldfish, so what does the black moor do? Eats the goldfish food, then hunts for the catfish food, finds it, and starts gorging himself on it, and ignoring me when I bash against the tank in an effort to get him to leave it alone. S'pose he takes after his owner a bit there... :)
My head's in an icky place lately. Home, work, being sick, just everything is getting on top of me. Trying to sort it out, currently failing epically.
Oh! Also! Do not try to beat up your work desk! Not only will it win that fight, but it will leave pretty colours on your knuckles. I may or may not know this from experience now... Colours include blue, black, purple and red. Still waiting for the yellow and green. :)
And I think I forgot to mention, finished the Twilight saga. Worth reading, even if it is just to laugh at the sparkly vampires. :D Gave it a five out of ten, mainly for the readability/page turner aspect of it. Good way to fill up your spare time for a few weeks.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Bah smegging humbug.
Turns out I'm very good at having moments. Most recently, the "damnit I just want some fucking answers and/or a cure" moments. I'm just not coping so well right now. I'm over the Crohn's, I'm over the pain, I'm over the being treated like a guinea pig, I'm over being fat, I'm over the stretch marks, I'm over the mood swings..... Then there's the arthritis, and the psoraisis, and the fatigue. And the meds. Just so over everything right now. *sigh* I'm tired, or I'd crap on further about it all.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Hmmmstuff (I know, original, huh?)
So far today I'm going better. Head's in a better space, and my stomach and joints aren't bothering me quite so badly. Coffee is helping. :) I think I'd be dead without that. A glass of scotch and the fish work wonders too. And sleep. Can't forget sleep.
Am a bit worried about a bruise on my arm. See, it randomly appeared a few months ago now, about a centimetre in diameter. But I hadn't done anything to get a bruise, and it didn't hurt. It sort of faded, but never really went away. Yesterday I noticed that it's darker again, but it's grown and the edges are lighter than the middle. I've also noticed my arm dips in a bit where the bruise is. It's down near my wrist, and yet again I've done nothing to end up with a bruise, and it's not sore. Worried about it because it's just plain weird.
Weighty issues. Blergh. Those bright little notes that I stuck up on the wardrobe door? They've done nothing. So as of yesterday I've gone back to what I know might work. The "this is what I weigh, this is what I want to weigh, and this is my progress" stuff stuck up on the wall for all to see. I think I work better when the rest of the world can see it and I can't run away from it. So. I'll extend the world to include the Internet rather than just my bedroom.
- Currently I weight 92.8 kilos.
- Aiming to dispose of 22.8 kilos by 31 May 2010.
- Weigh ins to occur on Sundays and weight to be recorded.
- Fast food = never again. (At least, not in the forseeable future ;D )
On a slightly better path to getting my own place too. Found a bank paying much higher interest than I was getting, so set up an account and should have the money I need just that tad bit sooner. *does the happy dance*
And my blog wouldn't be my blog without an update on the fish. It appears that what I have read about the catfish is true. They do indeed like zucchini. And I do indeed spoil them. :D
PS- Still no kitten! :P
Am a bit worried about a bruise on my arm. See, it randomly appeared a few months ago now, about a centimetre in diameter. But I hadn't done anything to get a bruise, and it didn't hurt. It sort of faded, but never really went away. Yesterday I noticed that it's darker again, but it's grown and the edges are lighter than the middle. I've also noticed my arm dips in a bit where the bruise is. It's down near my wrist, and yet again I've done nothing to end up with a bruise, and it's not sore. Worried about it because it's just plain weird.
Weighty issues. Blergh. Those bright little notes that I stuck up on the wardrobe door? They've done nothing. So as of yesterday I've gone back to what I know might work. The "this is what I weigh, this is what I want to weigh, and this is my progress" stuff stuck up on the wall for all to see. I think I work better when the rest of the world can see it and I can't run away from it. So. I'll extend the world to include the Internet rather than just my bedroom.
- Currently I weight 92.8 kilos.
- Aiming to dispose of 22.8 kilos by 31 May 2010.
- Weigh ins to occur on Sundays and weight to be recorded.
- Fast food = never again. (At least, not in the forseeable future ;D )
On a slightly better path to getting my own place too. Found a bank paying much higher interest than I was getting, so set up an account and should have the money I need just that tad bit sooner. *does the happy dance*
And my blog wouldn't be my blog without an update on the fish. It appears that what I have read about the catfish is true. They do indeed like zucchini. And I do indeed spoil them. :D
PS- Still no kitten! :P
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I Wonder....
Currently there's no one special in my life. It's just me and my lonesome. And I can't help but wonder sometimes, who's going to want me? I wasn't exactly the prettiest person prior to the Crohn's- pastey white, on the chubby side and skin that had gone to hell in a handbasket. But I was working on that. The flab was slowly toning, and the white skin, well.... A few days in the sun would have fixed that. The psoraisis was the only thing I couldn't really get under control.
Now though, the weight's all piled back on, plus more. The first thing the doc did last time I saw him was weigh me. 88 kilos. That's about 28 kilos heavier than I wan't to be (note, actually want to be, not what is recommended. That's even lighter). The pred has packed weight on, and the cravings haven't helped. Pimples! Ugh! Enough already! And seriously, who's going to want a woman with a moustache and sideburns? They're seriously becoming an issue for me. Mum and Dad say they don't notice, but the hair's getting longer, and darker. I know it's vanity speaking there, but really. I shave my legs, not my face!
And apart from the vanity, there's the physical problems. There's the Crohn's itself. Really, who would want to deal with that? I don't, so how can I expect anyone else to? And then the joint troubles.... It's near to the point with my hips, knees and ankles that I possibly shouldn't be driving sometimes. And the hands? With the pain and the shakes there are days I can't do a damn thing.
I just can't help but get a little bit miserable thinking about it sometimes. A lot of the time these days, all I want is someone to be there, to give me a hug and tell me it's all going to be okay, and have the faith that it will be okay just because they said so. But how can I ask that of anyone? How could I inflict myself upon them?
Now though, the weight's all piled back on, plus more. The first thing the doc did last time I saw him was weigh me. 88 kilos. That's about 28 kilos heavier than I wan't to be (note, actually want to be, not what is recommended. That's even lighter). The pred has packed weight on, and the cravings haven't helped. Pimples! Ugh! Enough already! And seriously, who's going to want a woman with a moustache and sideburns? They're seriously becoming an issue for me. Mum and Dad say they don't notice, but the hair's getting longer, and darker. I know it's vanity speaking there, but really. I shave my legs, not my face!
And apart from the vanity, there's the physical problems. There's the Crohn's itself. Really, who would want to deal with that? I don't, so how can I expect anyone else to? And then the joint troubles.... It's near to the point with my hips, knees and ankles that I possibly shouldn't be driving sometimes. And the hands? With the pain and the shakes there are days I can't do a damn thing.
I just can't help but get a little bit miserable thinking about it sometimes. A lot of the time these days, all I want is someone to be there, to give me a hug and tell me it's all going to be okay, and have the faith that it will be okay just because they said so. But how can I ask that of anyone? How could I inflict myself upon them?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Logic occurs occasionally!
I haven't really said much of value lately, have I? Haven't really been feeling that fantastic either though, today's probably my first day of very vaguely normal headspace in a week or two.
Crohn's wise, I'm utterly over it. Fed up to the eyeballs and just want it to go the hell away. Still not quite comprehending the "This is the problem, there's no cure" thing, though now when those thoughts roll through my mind it genuinely feels as though I've smacked myself up against a brick wall, as opposed to the previous drowning in the middle of the ocean with nothing to grab on to. Still having shockers of days, just falling apart and struggling a lot in trying to pull myself back together.
Pain wise, I'm getting headaches every day which require pain meds. Also the apparently arthritic pain keeps rocking up, mostly in my finger, wrists, knee and hip. Am also getting abdominal pain every day, it's just a lottery as to whether it'll be there all day or whether it'll wait off until the evening, and also as to which specific point it'll be (I've worked out there's five places, and a combination of any or all of the above). Then there's the general tummy ache that's all over (much rarer than the abdo pain), and then there's the "I've been shitting liquid all day" tummy and back pain (so much fun, but at least rarer than the general tummy pain).
Side effects: Extremely tired. And I mean extremely. Suffer from chronic fatigue as a result of glandular fever/mono a few years back. Managed to get on top of that with Bowen therapy (seriously, a godsend, try it!), but now the fatigue is just as bad, if not worse (thanks Imuran!). Not to mention nausea and dizziness.
Also still getting funny vision/trouble focusing, the odd chest pain (pick a side), vagueness, the shakes, and random cramping sensations. Still phoning the doctor weekly to find out if the Imuran is killing my liver (it's not, and while I think of it I did get to yay about not having diabetes [go me!]), still getting weekly blood tests. Go to see doctor next Monday again. Bah humbug. Just more time, and more money that I've got to somehow find.
Food: Keeping up the dairy intake, particularly milk, seeing as it seems to be going okay with me (possibly giving me gas and a rumbly tummy, but not shooting straight through which is fantastic). I like my bones not breaking thanks! Quiche is going well, so one of those gets had of a morning as a rule. Oats are also awesome (when I'm not randomly dropping the bowl). Red Rooster sadly still remains the demon in disguise.
In completely different news. My fish are being fish (shock horror!). And are currently expecting me to feed them (I think!). I love my little black one! It's cute, and has boggly eyes. *cuteness goes here* There's still no kitten in my bottom drawer, and sadly the two at the pet shop were sold on the weekend so there goes getting one of them and putting it in there. :P
I am in possession of my Firefly dvds again, so I'm back to getting my kicks from that. Also going through many of the books that I've started reading then stopped and am getting time to read them. My evenings exist of getting home, having a drink, having dinner, going to bed and reading for half hour or so, clonking out stone cold/thrashing and crashing for hours until I fall into a fitful sleep (the meds like to vary it for me :S). I'm such a boring person.
Crohn's wise, I'm utterly over it. Fed up to the eyeballs and just want it to go the hell away. Still not quite comprehending the "This is the problem, there's no cure" thing, though now when those thoughts roll through my mind it genuinely feels as though I've smacked myself up against a brick wall, as opposed to the previous drowning in the middle of the ocean with nothing to grab on to. Still having shockers of days, just falling apart and struggling a lot in trying to pull myself back together.
Pain wise, I'm getting headaches every day which require pain meds. Also the apparently arthritic pain keeps rocking up, mostly in my finger, wrists, knee and hip. Am also getting abdominal pain every day, it's just a lottery as to whether it'll be there all day or whether it'll wait off until the evening, and also as to which specific point it'll be (I've worked out there's five places, and a combination of any or all of the above). Then there's the general tummy ache that's all over (much rarer than the abdo pain), and then there's the "I've been shitting liquid all day" tummy and back pain (so much fun, but at least rarer than the general tummy pain).
Side effects: Extremely tired. And I mean extremely. Suffer from chronic fatigue as a result of glandular fever/mono a few years back. Managed to get on top of that with Bowen therapy (seriously, a godsend, try it!), but now the fatigue is just as bad, if not worse (thanks Imuran!). Not to mention nausea and dizziness.
Also still getting funny vision/trouble focusing, the odd chest pain (pick a side), vagueness, the shakes, and random cramping sensations. Still phoning the doctor weekly to find out if the Imuran is killing my liver (it's not, and while I think of it I did get to yay about not having diabetes [go me!]), still getting weekly blood tests. Go to see doctor next Monday again. Bah humbug. Just more time, and more money that I've got to somehow find.
Food: Keeping up the dairy intake, particularly milk, seeing as it seems to be going okay with me (possibly giving me gas and a rumbly tummy, but not shooting straight through which is fantastic). I like my bones not breaking thanks! Quiche is going well, so one of those gets had of a morning as a rule. Oats are also awesome (when I'm not randomly dropping the bowl). Red Rooster sadly still remains the demon in disguise.
In completely different news. My fish are being fish (shock horror!). And are currently expecting me to feed them (I think!). I love my little black one! It's cute, and has boggly eyes. *cuteness goes here* There's still no kitten in my bottom drawer, and sadly the two at the pet shop were sold on the weekend so there goes getting one of them and putting it in there. :P
I am in possession of my Firefly dvds again, so I'm back to getting my kicks from that. Also going through many of the books that I've started reading then stopped and am getting time to read them. My evenings exist of getting home, having a drink, having dinner, going to bed and reading for half hour or so, clonking out stone cold/thrashing and crashing for hours until I fall into a fitful sleep (the meds like to vary it for me :S). I'm such a boring person.
Monday, May 11, 2009
All things of pain and disgustingness.
So that good headspace thing huh? Hasn't existed lately. Not coping puts it lightly.
In the meantime. I hate clothes, I hate clothes shopping. I hate clothes not fitting, I hate sizes not existing. I hate fat rolls. I hate baggy clothes being too small. Hate it all.
Have a cold. Also have the shakes somewhat beautifully. Between the shakes and joints randomly going spaz on me, it makes it difficult to do much.
Bad food list has grown. Now includes corned silverside and devilled sausages (must be something in the sauce 'cause the same sausages done on the barbeque go fine). Also, grapes are a possibility for not so good stuff. Bought a kilo this morning in an effort to be healthy, and my stomach hasn't been entirely fantastic since. Not entirely awful, but verging on the "you're gonna regret that" feeling that it gets from time to time. Then again, it could have been the pumpkin soup from last night.
Disgusting alert goes here. Judging by my pee, I need to drink more water. I read somewhere years ago that the intensity of the colour of your pee indicates how dehydrated you are. The more yellow it is, the more dehydrated you are. Since starting on the Imuran it's been a hell of a lot more yellow than it previously would have been. So I need to drink more. So I'm peeing more. Which is an issue when you're trying to work and instead are having to run for the loo every so often.
Also, have gas. And it stinks. Bad. I think this is only since the Imuran started. Could be wrong, but I think that's when it started being bad.
End of disgustingness goes here. :)
No kitten.
In the meantime. I hate clothes, I hate clothes shopping. I hate clothes not fitting, I hate sizes not existing. I hate fat rolls. I hate baggy clothes being too small. Hate it all.
Have a cold. Also have the shakes somewhat beautifully. Between the shakes and joints randomly going spaz on me, it makes it difficult to do much.
Bad food list has grown. Now includes corned silverside and devilled sausages (must be something in the sauce 'cause the same sausages done on the barbeque go fine). Also, grapes are a possibility for not so good stuff. Bought a kilo this morning in an effort to be healthy, and my stomach hasn't been entirely fantastic since. Not entirely awful, but verging on the "you're gonna regret that" feeling that it gets from time to time. Then again, it could have been the pumpkin soup from last night.
Disgusting alert goes here. Judging by my pee, I need to drink more water. I read somewhere years ago that the intensity of the colour of your pee indicates how dehydrated you are. The more yellow it is, the more dehydrated you are. Since starting on the Imuran it's been a hell of a lot more yellow than it previously would have been. So I need to drink more. So I'm peeing more. Which is an issue when you're trying to work and instead are having to run for the loo every so often.
Also, have gas. And it stinks. Bad. I think this is only since the Imuran started. Could be wrong, but I think that's when it started being bad.
End of disgustingness goes here. :)
No kitten.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Superglue for my headspace please.
So I've had a wonderful few days. Sarcasm ends right here. My headspace since maybe bedtime Thursday/early Friday morning has been not so good, to put it very lightly. Random breakdowns, bawling my eyes out, getting angry then getting upset because I got angry, then getting angry because I was upset, and so it went in a vicious cycle all weekend.
Also got a medical bill that despite having top cover private health insurance and despite Medicare covering a fair whack of the bill, I'm still out of pocket quite a considerable amount. And considering that was for the tests where I had to be unconscious and have things shoved up my butt and down my throat, it only adds insult to injury.
Felt vaguely better yesterday, though today started at the bottom of the hill and somehow I've just kept digging. Not feeling in such a happy place at the moment.
Get to see the gastro doctor person this afternoon after work. Mum's coming with me this time. Think that will be good. Need someone there with the state of mind I'm in.
Refused the enema on Sunday. Just to the point where I can't deal with them. Put up with it yesterday, will demand to be taken off them today, along with having the Pred knocked back a bit. I know this will anger people a little, but you can function (albeit not very well) with a bag hanging out of your belly and no bowel. You can't function without a brain, and at the moment, the meds are doing my head in and I'm not coping.
Side effects are really getting me down.
Shouldn't be driving due to vision randomly going blurry, and focusing is a problem causing hurt and needing eyes to be closed for a while. Chest pain that comes and goes randomly but is never minor should deem me unable to drive too. Unfortunately, if I want money to pay for the meds that cause all these side effects, I need to be able to drive in order to get to work in order to get said money.
Just for my benefit, a list of current side effects is as follows.
-Blurry vision.
-Focusing issues - unable to focus, pain when focusing
-Chest pain
-Messages not getting from brain to mouth/hands - gibberish
-Joint pain - wrists, fingers, thumbs, shoulders, elbows, back, HIPS!!!, knees, toes, ankle
-Tummy pain, almost continual
-Cramping in feet
-Continual on verge of cramping in lower legs
-Insomnia - before bed, waking up at 11, 12:30, 2:30, 4, 5:20, or waking up and not getting back to sleep
-Exhaustion
-Lots of cranky
-Lots of sad
-Lots of scared
-Paranoia
-Fat
-Blackheads, pimples, cold sores
-Sweating, hot, cold
-Hungry
-Wounds not healing/staying infected
-Bruising
Enema stuff
-Always discomfort
-Causes diarrhoea for a while afterwards (upsetting/distressing when I've had a good day)
-Sometimes pain that stops to "do not poop" messages
-Tug-of-war issue, so no comfortable position to sleep in
Coherancy is out the window. Apologies. Meanwhile, my boss tells me nicely that dying is not allowed. Must look miserable for a joke to be made. Feel miserable. Can't type, can't see, spiralling. It's not fun when my mind goes like this.
Also got a medical bill that despite having top cover private health insurance and despite Medicare covering a fair whack of the bill, I'm still out of pocket quite a considerable amount. And considering that was for the tests where I had to be unconscious and have things shoved up my butt and down my throat, it only adds insult to injury.
Felt vaguely better yesterday, though today started at the bottom of the hill and somehow I've just kept digging. Not feeling in such a happy place at the moment.
Get to see the gastro doctor person this afternoon after work. Mum's coming with me this time. Think that will be good. Need someone there with the state of mind I'm in.
Refused the enema on Sunday. Just to the point where I can't deal with them. Put up with it yesterday, will demand to be taken off them today, along with having the Pred knocked back a bit. I know this will anger people a little, but you can function (albeit not very well) with a bag hanging out of your belly and no bowel. You can't function without a brain, and at the moment, the meds are doing my head in and I'm not coping.
Side effects are really getting me down.
Shouldn't be driving due to vision randomly going blurry, and focusing is a problem causing hurt and needing eyes to be closed for a while. Chest pain that comes and goes randomly but is never minor should deem me unable to drive too. Unfortunately, if I want money to pay for the meds that cause all these side effects, I need to be able to drive in order to get to work in order to get said money.
Just for my benefit, a list of current side effects is as follows.
-Blurry vision.
-Focusing issues - unable to focus, pain when focusing
-Chest pain
-Messages not getting from brain to mouth/hands - gibberish
-Joint pain - wrists, fingers, thumbs, shoulders, elbows, back, HIPS!!!, knees, toes, ankle
-Tummy pain, almost continual
-Cramping in feet
-Continual on verge of cramping in lower legs
-Insomnia - before bed, waking up at 11, 12:30, 2:30, 4, 5:20, or waking up and not getting back to sleep
-Exhaustion
-Lots of cranky
-Lots of sad
-Lots of scared
-Paranoia
-Fat
-Blackheads, pimples, cold sores
-Sweating, hot, cold
-Hungry
-Wounds not healing/staying infected
-Bruising
Enema stuff
-Always discomfort
-Causes diarrhoea for a while afterwards (upsetting/distressing when I've had a good day)
-Sometimes pain that stops to "do not poop" messages
-Tug-of-war issue, so no comfortable position to sleep in
Coherancy is out the window. Apologies. Meanwhile, my boss tells me nicely that dying is not allowed. Must look miserable for a joke to be made. Feel miserable. Can't type, can't see, spiralling. It's not fun when my mind goes like this.
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