So I've had a wonderful few days. Sarcasm ends right here. My headspace since maybe bedtime Thursday/early Friday morning has been not so good, to put it very lightly. Random breakdowns, bawling my eyes out, getting angry then getting upset because I got angry, then getting angry because I was upset, and so it went in a vicious cycle all weekend.
Also got a medical bill that despite having top cover private health insurance and despite Medicare covering a fair whack of the bill, I'm still out of pocket quite a considerable amount. And considering that was for the tests where I had to be unconscious and have things shoved up my butt and down my throat, it only adds insult to injury.
Felt vaguely better yesterday, though today started at the bottom of the hill and somehow I've just kept digging. Not feeling in such a happy place at the moment.
Get to see the gastro doctor person this afternoon after work. Mum's coming with me this time. Think that will be good. Need someone there with the state of mind I'm in.
Refused the enema on Sunday. Just to the point where I can't deal with them. Put up with it yesterday, will demand to be taken off them today, along with having the Pred knocked back a bit. I know this will anger people a little, but you can function (albeit not very well) with a bag hanging out of your belly and no bowel. You can't function without a brain, and at the moment, the meds are doing my head in and I'm not coping.
Side effects are really getting me down.
Shouldn't be driving due to vision randomly going blurry, and focusing is a problem causing hurt and needing eyes to be closed for a while. Chest pain that comes and goes randomly but is never minor should deem me unable to drive too. Unfortunately, if I want money to pay for the meds that cause all these side effects, I need to be able to drive in order to get to work in order to get said money.
Just for my benefit, a list of current side effects is as follows.
-Blurry vision.
-Focusing issues - unable to focus, pain when focusing
-Chest pain
-Messages not getting from brain to mouth/hands - gibberish
-Joint pain - wrists, fingers, thumbs, shoulders, elbows, back, HIPS!!!, knees, toes, ankle
-Tummy pain, almost continual
-Cramping in feet
-Continual on verge of cramping in lower legs
-Insomnia - before bed, waking up at 11, 12:30, 2:30, 4, 5:20, or waking up and not getting back to sleep
-Exhaustion
-Lots of cranky
-Lots of sad
-Lots of scared
-Paranoia
-Fat
-Blackheads, pimples, cold sores
-Sweating, hot, cold
-Hungry
-Wounds not healing/staying infected
-Bruising
Enema stuff
-Always discomfort
-Causes diarrhoea for a while afterwards (upsetting/distressing when I've had a good day)
-Sometimes pain that stops to "do not poop" messages
-Tug-of-war issue, so no comfortable position to sleep in
Coherancy is out the window. Apologies. Meanwhile, my boss tells me nicely that dying is not allowed. Must look miserable for a joke to be made. Feel miserable. Can't type, can't see, spiralling. It's not fun when my mind goes like this.
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