I Wonder....

Currently there's no one special in my life. It's just me and my lonesome. And I can't help but wonder sometimes, who's going to want me? I wasn't exactly the prettiest person prior to the Crohn's- pastey white, on the chubby side and skin that had gone to hell in a handbasket. But I was working on that. The flab was slowly toning, and the white skin, well.... A few days in the sun would have fixed that. The psoraisis was the only thing I couldn't really get under control.

Now though, the weight's all piled back on, plus more. The first thing the doc did last time I saw him was weigh me. 88 kilos. That's about 28 kilos heavier than I wan't to be (note, actually want to be, not what is recommended. That's even lighter). The pred has packed weight on, and the cravings haven't helped. Pimples! Ugh! Enough already! And seriously, who's going to want a woman with a moustache and sideburns? They're seriously becoming an issue for me. Mum and Dad say they don't notice, but the hair's getting longer, and darker. I know it's vanity speaking there, but really. I shave my legs, not my face!

And apart from the vanity, there's the physical problems. There's the Crohn's itself. Really, who would want to deal with that? I don't, so how can I expect anyone else to? And then the joint troubles.... It's near to the point with my hips, knees and ankles that I possibly shouldn't be driving sometimes. And the hands? With the pain and the shakes there are days I can't do a damn thing.

I just can't help but get a little bit miserable thinking about it sometimes. A lot of the time these days, all I want is someone to be there, to give me a hug and tell me it's all going to be okay, and have the faith that it will be okay just because they said so. But how can I ask that of anyone? How could I inflict myself upon them?