Happy New Years!

So it's 9:42pm on New Year's Eve 2009, and I'm going to climb into bed and pass out with a virus.

Meanwhile, happy New Years all, and hope 2010 is the best year yet for everyone. All the very best to you all and your loved ones, hope you stay safe and happy and just remember to keep on smiling.

Merry Christmas!

So I'm a little late here, but Merry Christmas to everyone, and hope everyone has a wonderful and safe silly season. :)

Christmas was a little bit down cast with the family this year (Australia = Christmas today). Not only do I have the Crohn's and various other crap (no pun intended), but my brother has disabilities. He's never had seizures before, but last night he had an ever so delightful one that saw two amazing paramedics arrive (seriously, angels, and I can't thank them enough) and cart him off to hospital in an ambulance. He did make it home a few hours later, and so Christmas did happen, it was just scary as shit when it happened (the noises would have been enough alone, not to mention afterwards he couldn't talk or move for a while and didn't remember any of it later) and no one really got much sleep last night as a result. Did discover however in the absence of a lovable human or a pet to curl up with a bawl and howl like a lost, scared child, a childhood teddy bear, a glass of wine and an amusing action flick (enter Mr and Mrs Smith) will suffice for comfort.

In the weight arena, I'm lighter than I was last Christmas which is bloody fantastic in my books (82.2 kilos!). Still a teeny bit of the Pred weight to go, and then I'm back to my old battle with the original weight issues. I'm so sad about the stretch marks that have been a consequence of the meds, particularly as there was no warning, but I suppose there's not a great deal I can do about them.

Last few days have been a bit icky with stomach pain and randomly running through the house trying to find an empty bathroom, which you would assume would be an easy task when there are three in the house. You assumed wrong. Most likely this is a result of going away from the low fructose diet. Been eating waaaaaaay more bread than usual, along with a gazillion other things (like my beloved onion). Looks like I need to watch what I eat. Again. Sigh.

Anyway. As mentioned above, hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas, and a safe and happy New Year (because if you know me, I'll forget to get my sorry white butt back on here before then! :P ).

The usual sort of spiel...

So me and my weight. How's it going? Glad you asked. :P Currently down to 83.2 kilos, which is what I weighed this time last year, before all this Crohn's stuff started (well, at least before I was diagnosed). I do have just under 3 kilos to go however to lose the Pred weight, but that'll come. Have vaguely been watching the story of the guy below, the fitness trainer who became obese and then attempted to lose the weight again to better understand his clients. It make me feel so much better that he struggled too.

http://www.news.com.au/national/paul-james-almost-back-to-his-original-weight/story-e6frfkvr-1225811164362

See? Even perfect people aren't so perfect!

Meanwhile, I've got the cranky pants on with the rhumy. Went and saw him nearly a week ago now, and he basically didn't listen to a word I said. Stuck with his usual story of heat, exercise and massage will fix it, gave me a shot in each shoulder and sent me on my merry way. Shots didn't work and I'm more than a little disgruntled about it. It would have been nice to be in less pain for Christmas and new year, but hey. Obviously that's not going to be the case.

The Crohn's is behaving itself, as best as Crohn's can behave, and the fructose stuff seems to be non existant (I had a self indulgent moment yesterday and had a few slices of garlic bread for lunch. No effects.).

Hold onto your hats ladies and gents, it's an update!

Wow it's been a while since I actually posted something worth writing about, huh?

Well. The old hag is behaving herself (fingers crossed, knocking on wood and praying to every God I believe in!) for now, which is lovely. Have even ventured into the dreaded fructose foods, and guess what? I survived. For now.

In the line of the weight, I yo-yo-ed (that really doesn't look right spelled like that, but it looks more right than any other way I try...) for a few weeks, but I'm down to 84.7 as of yesterday, which is nice. Lost more than 10 kilos (22 pounds), have 1.3 to go to what I was at the beginning of the year, but 4.4 to go until I reach my pre-Crohn's weight. Will be over the moon when I hit that.

And time for an arthritis update. Where I live has been hot. Very hot actually. And with it, the oh so delightful agony of arthritis. So much for using heat to get rid of it. Am saving up the pain, turning it into angry, and will deliver a dose of cranky-pants to the rhumy on Friday when I see him. In, of course, the most polite way posible. Just very fed up with doping myself to the eyeballs on Nurofen every day (which I'm not supposed to take because of the Ibuprofen), and still being in a rather high degree of pain (say 9/10 instead of 10/10). Needs fixing. Pronto.

Am trying to enjoy my time off work, and have just started redecorating my room. Been busy sanding some timber for some shelves today, and threw the first coat of paint on. Absolutely love the colour, and am so happy that it's come out exactly as on the sample chip. Second coat should go on tomorrow, and hopefully put them up in the next week or so. There's also curtains to be made (bought the fabric yesterday for somewhat of a bargain), but they'll have to wait until after Christmas before I can tackle them. Should also be enough to make a cushion cover or two out of the leftover fabric. Am really enjoying the prospect of my shoebox looking a little nicer. :)

Didn't end up making it to Sydney for the Gluten Free expo. If anyone who reads this did make it, could you let me know if it's worth going next year?

Umm...... Anyway, I think that's really it. Finally something to write about huh? Now off to clean the shoebox before it's time to put those shelves up.

Food photos as promised

So occasionally I've been promising to post photos of food here. Okay, so more than occasionally. Now this is my thing, I wait and wait and wait and then BAM! Photos. So prepare for bombardment. :)

These are wonderful, wonderful brownies and passionfruit slice.
Both proudly made from a packet, brand is Melinda's. :P

Cake. Also proudly made from a packet.
This one was FreeFrom.

Cake, as above, prior to icing/frosting.
Have also made chocolate variant,
which looks the same, except brown. :)

These are my failed attempts at frittatas.
See that bit of egg coming over the side?
I may have perhaps put somewhere closer
to 14 eggs in as opposed to the 8 the
recipe recommended.....

And here we have the tins after the
frittatas came out. They really
didn't taste nice either.

Close up of chicken stew, made by mum.
It was yummy. The stew, not the close up.

Not so close up of chicken stew.

So there you go. Food for thought? These are all edible by me for the record, so not just Crohn's friendly, but fructose as well. Finally got 'round to sharing.

Introducing the new pico prep!

Pico prep? So yesterday. And so disgusting! Seriously, would rather drink vomit. Today's solution? My mother's curry!

Damn I love that stuff. And so tonight when she said 'We're having curry tonight, would you like some?', of course I couldn't really refuse. Full of delicious, spicy goodness, and full of vegies too- cabbage, carrot, onion, garlic.... Chicken added to it for the meat, and then cream for creamy goodness. Serve hot over rice. I think this is about the only meal that outdoes mashed potato for me. Though I am sad to say it is the much more consumable version of the not-so-beloved pico prep. Straight through and liquid. Though, seeing as the god Imodium has come to the rescue, I think I'll brave leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

Think I'm ready for a colonoscopy now......

Always look on the bright side of life (sing it with me!)

And now that I have that stuck in your head, on with a post! :D

So weight wise I had a bad week. In general I had a bad week. Ditched for reasons I can't fathom, sick, best mate moving to another state.... I put on half a kilo. Blergh. Must do better. Have gone back above the dreaded line I've been keeping under, and it'll take work to get back under it again.

In Crohn's news...... I'M OFF THE PRED!!!!!!!!! Dancing and jumping about like a five year old occurs! And about bloody time with that too. Took my last milligram of it yesterday, and I pity the poor fool who tries to put me back on it one day. Hopefully though if I ever need anything to stop the guts being stupid they'll have something else I can have instead. Still on the Salofalk for maintenance, but seeing as I can't really determine any side effects of that, I'm happy enough to stay on it for now.

Have been venturing into the realm of gluten free (as most gluten free stuff is wheat free, thus fructose free, thus my guts can deal with it) recently. Orgran (brand of food) is awesome, as is the Woolworths brand FreeFrom. FreeFrom have cake mixes and pizza base mixes, while Orgran just seems to have everything. :) Made a cake the other day, just to see how it came out, and really, it tasted damn similar to a cake I used to make from scratch, so not bad for a packet mix, and pretty darn good for gluten free. At some point, I promise, I will get photos of said cake and possibly other cooking ventures up here.

Am in quite a degree of pain right now, my gut is giving me hell. Went to an open day at a lapidary club (jewellry making and stone cutting/polishing type stuff), and they had a sausage sizzle. Stupid got a sausage sandwich. On bread. With onion. Stupid is currently paying for it, with what feels like my life (I will live, I assure you).

Have a job application in with a company only a street or two away (walking distance on a good day). It's for an office administrator. Half of me wants the job. Close to home, and even if I chose to move out soon it'll be an area I know. Half of me doesn't want it. That half is itching to move interstate (yes, same state as above mentioned friend). Have been wanting to go for a few years, now may well be my opportunity. *shrug* Will keep the world posted, though really, I'm sure my blatherings about moving and jobs are boring.....

Oh yeah, and I've been going to bed and waking up with rotten headaches the past few days. Aches and pains, and general illness means I'm a whingy whiney brat, but hey. I think we're all entitled to those days when we feel up to crap.

Slightly late weekly post.

So on Sunday (ignore that it's now Friday) I had my weight down to 86.4 kilos. Happy dance occured, though it was less than a kilo, so not quite as happy as previous weeks. Am considering with the weight loss buying some shorts or skirts. Yes, shock horror, I'm considering stuff that isn't ankle length and denim. Shoot me now. Summer is just around the corner and it's starting to get just a little bit warm.

Also dropped down to 1mg of Pred. 1mg!!! Just over a week and I'm off the stuff for good. *dances*

Have been boldly venturing out into the world of food again, with some successes and some failures (oh the pain!). Some foods (like onion) can be eaten in moderation, some foods (like bread) are more of an issue.

Mr Anonymous didn't work out. Sad at the time, not so sad now. *shrug* As they say, as one door closes, another one opens. Don't know who they are in this instance. Actually in any instance....

In news that is sad (at least to me), one of my catfish died yesterday. I got all three at the same time, they were the same size, and all equally cute, but I get the feeling this poor little one didn't get much food. The other two got a little bit territorial and unfortunately the only way to get any food to them without the garbage disposal units (aka goldfish) getting it was to dump it in the others' logs. Poor little thing.

Still hoping to get to Sydney for the Gluten Free Expo (http://www.glutenfreefoodshow.com.au/index.html - shameless advertising for something good), though I'll have to see how things are going closer to the date.

Hope eveyone is healthy and alive.

Not so alone

So I was just randomly scrolling through a news website I read regularly, and happened to stumble across the article I've linked to below.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26239877-29277,00.html

It just feels really nice to know I'm not alone! :)

Still alive, I promise.

Skip an update, 'cause I forget my weight from the other week, and here's this one. 87.3 kilos, so yay!

Saw the dietician last Thursday, and all's going good. I'm allowed to start reintroducing foods as I see fit, I've just got to remember that fatty foods will make me fat again, etc, etc.

Went tenpin bowling on Friday arvo. Lost all three games, which was a little disappointing, though I think in the end I've still won. Lovely first date with a certain someone, so despite it taking a few days to get over the "Oh God there are muscles I haven't used in forever!" pain, I'm still grinning like a mad woman. Knowing that there's a second one lined up makes that grin even bigger.

Anyways. I'm off to brush the dust off the cross trainer and try to do something on that, I've not been able to make myself go near it the last few days so I've got some making up to do.

Updates and such

Oops, forgot my obligatory Sunday post. :D Made it back to the 80s! 89.9, so only just, but hey. It's getting somewhere. Happy dance happened.

Also forgot to make mention of when I dropped down to the 3mg of Pred. Drop down to 2mg this coming Sunday for a fortnight, then 1mg for another fortnight then I'm done! No Pred for Christmas!

My babies are sadly no longer babies. I believe the catfish are entering their teenage years- they're getting a little territorial over the logs in their tank. The logs however are serving their purpose in providing somewhere the catfish can eat without the goldfish getting to it. Fatty doesn't approve of this (only fish with a name, and it's by nature and name), and procedes to look like the fat kid chasing a hamburger through a one inch gap (only obviously the gap is smaller in comparison).

Still going well on the fructose free diet, but still disliking the dietician and what's coming across to me as either not paying attention to me or what she's been saying, or a lack of knowledge in general. *shrug*

Saw the GI yesterday, and he seems happy with how things are going, so I now don't have to see him until a few days before Christmas.

Sue Shepherd is a legend!!!

91 kilos! Yet another battle won, however minor it is. I don't enjoy the dizziness and the nausea from the lack of food, but it's worth it for this sort of weight loss. At this point I may still reach my goal by Christmas, which would just be amazing.

In other news, Dr Sue Shepherd is a legend. She's an Australian dietician who happens to have Coeliacs, and who happens to have written a few cook books as well as a guide to what to buy at the shops that's edible. Her books cater for Coeliacs, Fructose Malabsorption (smancy name for what I've supposedly got), IBS and various other bits and pieces. Seriously, books are fantastic, recipes great (see future posts for more! :D ) and just generally I feel so much better knowing that despite the two or three shelves of cookbooks I own now being practically useless for me, I have some now that I can use.

Anyone who is interested/can get there, there's a Gluten Free expo (also going over other things like the fructose stuff from what I can gather) on in Sydney in November on Saturday the 14th and Sunday the 15th, Sue Shepherd is also going to be there. I'm also under the impression that Tobie Puttock (chef who is awesome) will be there too, and both are giving presentations/demonstrations. Link for more info: http://www.glutenfreefoodshow.com.au/index.html

Crohn's wise, things have greatly improved since going on the low fructose diet. I hate not being able to have onion, and not being allowed to have fruit juice, but it is nice only having an episode or two every four or so days instead of many episodes every day. It might make things easier to work out when I'm flaring too, as opposed to pooping liquid all the time.

Thoroughly enjoying having time off from work. It's just nice waking up in the morning and knowing I don't have the stress of the daily drag in front of me, adding to my worries, and it really is nice to be able to go to sleep not worrying about what's left to do, and what needs doing when and blah blah blah..... *sigh* Just nice.

Anyway. I think I'm blogged out for now. More later though, with shiny pictures too!

blog blog bloggity blog...

92.8 kilos! Loss of 1.4, that's pretty awesome in my books. Okay, so I'm half starving myself compared to what I used to eat, but it seems to be working so I won't argue too much.

Fish have new plants. Fake plants though, mostly because they're easier to look after. Made from silk so they look a fair bit more realistic than the plastic ones available. Also itching for a bigger tank. One of the local fish shops that I've taken to living in has baby marble bristlenose catfish (as opposed to the ordinary sort that I have) and I'm itching to get some. Just need the larger tank first. Not to mention a bigger one would be easier to keep clean...

.....

Haha, I just realised this has been sitting open on my computer all day waiting for me to add more to it or post it. Oops..... :D

Blah.

So I finished work on Wednesday. Already starting to feel more relaxed. Hoping now that I don't have work to contend with that I can get my life sorted and back on track. The people I worked with were all very generous, all chipped in and got me a $75 Borders voucher. They're awesome people.

I'm aiming to go to the beach at least twice a week (looking at Tuesdays and Thursdays for some sort of routine) to watch the sun come up and then walk the breakwall. Relaxing and exercising at the same time huh?

Also had a phone call from the dietician two days ago to move my appointment forward to yesterday. So I trudged along and saw her. I am now not allowed to touch wheat with a ten foot pole, same for fat and onion and most fruits. What the? No fruit when losing weight? Oh, and most definitely no fruit juice. I am however still allowed alcohol, and as much diet soft drink as I like. I don't get it, but I s'pose that's why she's the dietician and I'm not. See her again in a month to see how I'm going.

Umm..... Really I've got nothing. Pretty much the same really, whinging about everything. Still extremely tired.... Eh. Maybe more next time.

Random bits and pieces

Ha! 94.2 kilos! Take that old hag! I'm winning! Nyah! Ahem. Maturity? What's that? *whistles innocently* Still a long way from healthy, but I'll get there. Speaking of healthy (or lack thereof), have been utterly exhausted since last Sunday, so eight days now, and continually nauseous. Rather problematic. Difficult sometimes to work out which end to aim at the toilet. *shrug* Hopefully it'll blow over.

Caught up with a friend today and exchanged birthday presents (both of us ever so slightly late with that :D), along with our usual arm long list of health complaints (black market Bodies-R-Us coming to a shadowy alley near you!).

My hair is finally to about the length I'd wanted it cut to six months ago. Still cranky at the hairdresser who butchered it though.....

And it's so damn hot! Not fair when you've ballooned to the point where nothing apart from track pants and jumpers fit you.

The Time Traveler's Wife is an awesome book. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. Nicely written, nice story, original (in my opinion) idea.... Go read it!

Crohn's wise, I'm down to 4mg of Pred as of this morning, going down by 1mg per fortnight, theoretically only if I feel okay with it. Stuff that, I'm coming off that stuff no matter what. I will not stay on Pred.

Arthritis wise, apparently there's a pocket of fluid stuff between your joints and muscles, and apparently that pocket thing is screwy in my hips, thus continuing on to my knees and ankles. I do wish they'd make up their mind. Also, my knees are a little bit screwy in their own sense, ie they bend the wrong way as well as the right way. Only a little bit, but enough to be screwy. Don't need to see the rhumy again until December, which is nice, even if it is just to save me a bit of money.

Now pardon me while I go puke. :(

Well damn.

94.6 kilos. What the fuck?

Bought cross trainer. Used cross trainer. Used weights. Ate mostly sensibly (which is a change). What went wrong? :'(

Another tired post

Damn it's hard being selfish. I gave my two weeks notice about a few hours ago, and it's one of the hardest conscious decisions I've had to make in recent memory. But the decision needed making so it got made.

Went and saw the GI on Monday arvo. Also dropped down to 7.5mg of Pred on Monday morning, so haven't got far to go. Unfortunately my inflammatory markers are heading back up, and my iron's a bit low, so yeah. *sad face* I did mention that I really don't want to go back on the Pred as it does special things to me that I don't like, and the doctor agreed, so I suppose that's something. Also got a script for Imodium ($23 for 100 tablets as opposed to $15 for 12? I think yes!) with five repeats, and a referral for a dietitian, so hopefully I can start getting some help with shedding the Pred pounds.

Am heading to the shops this afternoon after work, hopefully with mum in tow, to have another look at a cross trainer, with the hopes of buying it. Get the fun of putting it together like a giant mechano set and then have the fun of playing with it. Yay! :)

Also, was bit naughty today and had one of the new McDonalds Grand Angus burgers, and damn it was good. Really nice sour dough, and the salad was yummy, but the meat was a little dry. I did however limit myself to just the burger, so was good in that regard.

Very tired right now. Had the whole insomnia gig again last night (bang on two o'clock too), and this morning's coffee's long worn off. Trying some Zero to get the caffeine into the veins again. Hopefully it'll work.

Here, have a blog.

Hmmm.... I shouldn't post when tired. *shrug* Eh. Anyway. Onwards to a logical post.

Weight this morning is 93.1. Weight is being lost, therefore I am currently winning. The old hag and the Pred are losing. That's all that's important there.

Plans mentioned yesterday involve cracking down on a few areas of my life. No really, I can. I can be hard on myself when I have to be, I just don't like it very much.

Weight needs to be cracked down on. I can't expect to balloon then still be healthy. I wasn't healthy before, and if I'm going to drop dead all of a sudden, I'm stuffed if it's going to be because I'm fat from the Pred. Weights, stepper, rower, cha-cha'ing. And when pay day rocks around I've got my eye on a cross trainer. Am storing the info in a spreadsheet and it automatically graphs it for me. Gotta make the pretty little line go downhill! :D Also tracking the exercise with it too. Will maybe try and rig it up so it tells me when I've done a certain amount of calories or something and that I deserve a book as a result. :)

Money is being tightened. Spare change goes in the beer fund jar (which when full gets taken to the bank and deposited again). Things get queried whether they are a necessity or a luxury. Sales are friends, but only if needed. Fish will be looked after, but no longer spoilt rotten.

Doing things for me now too. Stuff the rest of the world, I'm sure it's capable of looking after itself for a while, surely it doesn't need me to baby sit it. I'm tired of doing things just to keep the peace, despite being stressed and tired and utterly miserable as a result. If it only effects me, then it's my choice, damnit! Me! Me me me! Time to be selfish. If only for a little while.

Ahem. In other news, see the GI tomorrow. A week earlier than I was meant to (the receptionist gave me a date a week early and I've only picked up on it in the past few days), but need to talk to him anyway. Need to see if he can recommend a dietitian, and need to speak to him about the cramps in my legs/feet.

Planning, scheming, etc...

I seem to be spending a lot of my weekends of late away from home. Had a rather nice day today, spent about ten hours behind the wheel, went many places, fell in love with many places (Enter stage left Murrurundi and Quirindi). Feel much better for having the day away. My head's in a slighter better place, and an overall plan of action is taking place. Health, work, life.... All have plans now, just need kickstarting.

Exercise is happening. Have found a song on my playlist that is perfect for the weights, and I've found another one that can be cha-cha'd to. I've got my motivation, but because I'm still very self conscious I won't be sharing my plans for that, at least not for a while. But I'm working on that (the self consciousness that is), in yet another plan. Have also working out my fish stop staring at me when I respond with "Yes, mummy is fat, yes mummy is wobbling, and yes mummy is dancing". They quickly hide. :P But at least saying that lets me laugh at myself.

KFC sends the Crohn's to hell in a handbasket. Seriously, it is the devil if such a character exists. EVIL STUFF!!! Not good to get what I'll now label as KFC Pains when doing 100 clicks an hour and the sides of the road are gravel. Contained agony long enough to slow down to pull safely off the road then bite knuckles in pain for the next few minutes until it subsides. Seriously, it's not food, it's just the devil.

Anyhoo. I'm off to get my weekly dose of British drama (aka The Bill - best medicine I know!) then sleep.

Shakes and strawberries and fish, oh my!

Well damnit. Am attempting to lose the weight, as I've possibly made mention of a few times (or more than a few). Late December last year to Feb/March this year I was doing some shakes for breakkie and/or lunch. They were good, tasted nice, filled me up, started losing weight, yada yada yada.... (Celebrity Slim for anyone wondering) Sadly now, they're one of my biggest triggers for having a shitty day. Pun intended. So I have a drawer full of shakes that I pretty much can't use unless I want to dope myself up on Imodium (which is a God, all hail the mighty Imodium, bow down and offer your sacrifices...). Am exercising a bit though. And cutting back a lot on the junk food. Weights, crunches, and the stepper (could use a phone book, but have a smancy thing designed specifically for stepping on).....

Have discovered however that the old hag doesn't mind strawberries. Which is lovely, because I adore strawberries. Also have either tangerines or tangelos (bought them this morning, can't remember which they are) to try with it. Here's to hoping!

My little black moor has spots again, poor bugger. Meanwhile, he's proving himself to be the stubborn guts of the tank. I have different food for the catfish and the goldfish, so what does the black moor do? Eats the goldfish food, then hunts for the catfish food, finds it, and starts gorging himself on it, and ignoring me when I bash against the tank in an effort to get him to leave it alone. S'pose he takes after his owner a bit there... :)

My head's in an icky place lately. Home, work, being sick, just everything is getting on top of me. Trying to sort it out, currently failing epically.

Oh! Also! Do not try to beat up your work desk! Not only will it win that fight, but it will leave pretty colours on your knuckles. I may or may not know this from experience now... Colours include blue, black, purple and red. Still waiting for the yellow and green. :)

And I think I forgot to mention, finished the Twilight saga. Worth reading, even if it is just to laugh at the sparkly vampires. :D Gave it a five out of ten, mainly for the readability/page turner aspect of it. Good way to fill up your spare time for a few weeks.

Bah smegging humbug.

Turns out I'm very good at having moments. Most recently, the "damnit I just want some fucking answers and/or a cure" moments. I'm just not coping so well right now. I'm over the Crohn's, I'm over the pain, I'm over the being treated like a guinea pig, I'm over being fat, I'm over the stretch marks, I'm over the mood swings..... Then there's the arthritis, and the psoraisis, and the fatigue. And the meds. Just so over everything right now. *sigh* I'm tired, or I'd crap on further about it all.

Random update

So I forgot to update my weight thinger yesterday. Managed to gain weight (yet again)..... 93.6 kilos now. But seriously, how the feck? I've been eating healthier, and less, and I've been backing off the Pred (now down to 10mg, go me!), so how the hell did I gain weight? Okay, so the exercise just didn't happen, but considering the eating habits and such, I'd have thought I'd at least stay at the same weight. *sad face here*

Meanwhile, died my hair. Reddish brown. And then attempted to straighten it this morning before work but it was too hot (seriously, predicted 29 celcius today and it's still winter), so my hair being ever so agreeable has decided to start frizzing again. Stupid hair.

Went back up the Valley yesterday too. Not so much the pull at the heart strings, but did enjoy it, which indicates that the last time I mentioned it must have just been from not feeling well. Would still like to head up there one day, though I'd much prefer Queensland. Beautiful one day, perfect the next. Couldn't be truer. :)

Thinking of moving my "moving out by" date forward. By a year or two. Things work better between me and my family when there's quite a bit of space between us. Ie, me not being in the same house. Sad but true. And as I'd really much rather be on talking terms with them as opposed to changing my name so they can't find me, I think the sooner I go, the better. Though, it does put me in a slightly worse financial position. Bah humbug. Sanity is more important. Dog box of my own? Here I come! :) Besides, if it's just me, the place doesn't need to be huge, or perfect, it just needs to be mine.

Though, if I go ahead and look at moving out, I need a stable job. So jumping on the job search bandwagon huh? Shame. I like it here. Just don't want it to go under.

Eh.

Whooo! I finally have a full meal I can eat without problems! Potato, broccoli, carrot and stroganoff. *happy dance* It's a relief to be able to say yes, I can eat that meal, rather than, maybe I can eat part of it. Yay! Also, roast lamb seems to go well, which is awesome.

Joint pain is still there, and slightly problematic. Like this morning on the way to work when both hips and my back gave out at the same time. Hating it. And hating the doctor too.

Oh and work? Not only is my boss leaving, one of the people from accounts is bailing too. Oh, and the random salesperson.... My resignation letter is in draft stage in my head. Just a matter of pen to paper and when. I'm so over waking up in the morning and wondering "Am I going to have a job in a few hours?". And I'm over wondering who will leave next. Or when things are going to come crashing down. At least if I pull the pin I'm in control and I know when things are finishing. Right now it's just yet another stress that I don't want or need.

So tired! I'm taking a sleeping tablet pretty much every second night to try and sleep properly, and yet I'm still waking up every hour or two, tossing and turning and just not getting a good sleep. And then in the morning it's as much caffeine as I can pack into one or two cups of coffee (I'm good and don't have any after lunch) just to try and stay awake. Had enough.

Hmmmstuff (I know, original, huh?)

So far today I'm going better. Head's in a better space, and my stomach and joints aren't bothering me quite so badly. Coffee is helping. :) I think I'd be dead without that. A glass of scotch and the fish work wonders too. And sleep. Can't forget sleep.

Am a bit worried about a bruise on my arm. See, it randomly appeared a few months ago now, about a centimetre in diameter. But I hadn't done anything to get a bruise, and it didn't hurt. It sort of faded, but never really went away. Yesterday I noticed that it's darker again, but it's grown and the edges are lighter than the middle. I've also noticed my arm dips in a bit where the bruise is. It's down near my wrist, and yet again I've done nothing to end up with a bruise, and it's not sore. Worried about it because it's just plain weird.

Weighty issues. Blergh. Those bright little notes that I stuck up on the wardrobe door? They've done nothing. So as of yesterday I've gone back to what I know might work. The "this is what I weigh, this is what I want to weigh, and this is my progress" stuff stuck up on the wall for all to see. I think I work better when the rest of the world can see it and I can't run away from it. So. I'll extend the world to include the Internet rather than just my bedroom.

- Currently I weight 92.8 kilos.
- Aiming to dispose of 22.8 kilos by 31 May 2010.
- Weigh ins to occur on Sundays and weight to be recorded.
- Fast food = never again. (At least, not in the forseeable future ;D )

On a slightly better path to getting my own place too. Found a bank paying much higher interest than I was getting, so set up an account and should have the money I need just that tad bit sooner. *does the happy dance*

And my blog wouldn't be my blog without an update on the fish. It appears that what I have read about the catfish is true. They do indeed like zucchini. And I do indeed spoil them. :D

PS- Still no kitten! :P

Health

Mentally I'm feeling pretty awful today. Physically, not much better. Pardon me while I go and find a bottle of something...

Pain (AKA She learns how to put pictures in!)

Hmm..... So. Went and saw the rhumy yesterday. On the plus side? He wants to interfere with the Pred 'cause he wants me off it. This is a good thing. If he hadn't interefered I'd be sitting at 15mg for the next few weeks, which is better than 40mg, but not as good as none. Instead I'm backing down by 2.5mg per week until I'm down to 5mg and we go from there. On the downside? He's suddenly decided that I don't have inflamitory arthritis, despite the x-ray proof, and his previous opinions, and oh, I don't know, the excruciating pain. So. Not only do painkillers not make an appearance, it now seems like he won't be pushing for the humira or infliximab. Bad. Very bad. Because the GI wants me on one for the Crohn's so it doesn't get bad again, but because of all the hoops, we can't get it for the Crohn's. He was relying on the rhumy getting it for me for the arthritis. So was I. Won't go into the temper tantrums, but let's just say it was better I wait a day to post than post straight after I got home.

Also a bit mentioned about sleep and pain and vicious cycles. Oh, and the warmth and massage and exercise to help with the pain. *dumb look goes here* Sure, I don't want drugs if I don't need them, but fuck me, how much pain do I need to be in and how messed up do I have to be for somebody to damn well do something?

I'm just so tired of nearly getting my head around something and then have everything change.

My fish are being cute, as usual. Them, and a glass of scotch and coke settles me. I still get lost in watching them. I swear, I'll glance at the tank and then ten minutes later realise that the quick glance has turned into a ten minute staring contest. With fish. :D

Here are said fish and fishtank
(finally learnt how to put pictures in too!).


Above is one of the cute baby catfish.
Find him! I dare you! :)


And my all too cute black moor, all cured now. :D

Eh.

Coffee goes so much better with milk in it.

My stomach goes so much better when I eat foods that I know are safe. Though, I am starting to think about trying the whole gluten free gig that I hear of so many Crohnies doing. Can't kill me, and might help settle things.

Went to the pet shop yesterday with the intention of buying a catfish for the fish tank. I should not be let loose in a pet shop that has baby fish. The "Awww! But they're so cute!" thing took over, and I ended up with three baby bristlenose catfish. No more fish now. Tank is too full. But they're babies, and they're cute! *squeals go here*

Erm.... Work still exists? Haven't pulled the pin. Really, I don't want to, but I will if I have to. Will sit for now I think. Maybe. So I'm indecisive. Shoot me. :P

Yay!

Yay! Went to see the GI yesterday arvo after work, and I'm down to 15mg of Pred a day now. Yay! Happy dance for me though? My joints have decided that they hate me today (again/as usual). Was also told unfortunately that there's no chance of me qualifying for humira/infliximab with the Crohn's alone, so the GI's hopeful that the rhumy can get one or the other (most likely infliximab) for me with the arthritis. See him on Friday, so I'm hoping the ball can start rolling then. I'm getting fed up with the pain, and I'd very much like to come off the Pred completely, but the GI's hesitant to do that until I'm on something else (so much for not wanting to turn me into a druggie...).

Yeah..... Nothing new really apart from that. Other than I'm glad I took the sleeping tablets last night. Still woke up heaps and didn't really sleep that well, but I think I would have only had about two hours again if I hadn't taken them.

Big red buttons...

So my finger is creeping all the more closer towards that giant red button with the word PANIC written on it in bold. Seriously, it's a matter of millimetres.

Still in pain today (whole shebang), but not quite as bad as over the weekend, so I've dragged myself in to work. Find out this morning that my boss (who's ironically enough off with a bad neck, hope he gets better) resigned last week. This bothers/worries me to a fair degree. I still know nothing about the industry I work in, and I rely heavily on him half the time to tell me what things are and how to do things. I'm a little worried that I'll look completely stupid once he's gone (in two weeks) as opposed to just slightly stupid. Then there's the Crohn's. He's been utterly fantastic with it. And the arthritis. Once he's gone I don't know how everyone else will deal with it.

Originally I remember I didn't enjoy this job. And then I got to know the people, and some of the people we deal with, and vaguely I'm getting to know what things are and what to expect. But really......

Pros of staying:
-Comfortable with people
-Easy with the Crohn's
-It's money

Pros of leaving:
-Can go on a holiday
-Can take some time to get fit(ter than I am now)
-Can take some time to get my head around things (I needed to do this months ago)
-Can (definitely) get a job that pays more
-Can (most likely) get a job closer to home (less money on transport, more money to save)
-Won't get stuck with a company that's going under
-Possibly better places for the Crohn's/arthritis
-Meet new people

Umm..... Actually not too sure why I'm still here, truth be told, looking at the above pros and cons. I think it's time I polish up the resume and push the big red panic button.

In other news.... Umm.... Not having a melt down today? Yet? Apart from the above stuff that is.

Am halfway through Breaking Dawn (last in the Twilight saga). Still enjoying it. Also managed to finish watching the Twilight movie. Definitely a case of don't judge a book by it's movie, but I suppose not entirely bad. Love Bella's Lullaby from it, plus the piano scene it's in. Otherwise I think I may be slightly indifferent to it.

My little black fish is nearly better. I think I'll be able to stop turning the water bright green in a few days. Am looking at getting a catfish for the tank too. Should help keep it cleaner. Mind, I'm getting used to cleaning it every second or third day (a little too often perhaps, but hey). Forgot to mention that I did manage to drag myself out on the weekend to a few fish shops. One of them is fantastic with the range in particular, including Nemo fish, and lion/scorpion fish, and starfish..... And they had huge tanks too which makes me itch even more to have a place of my own.

Erm.... Coffee tastes yucky without milk.

Also, Crohn's stuff..... Either chicken volevants (have no idea how to spell that) or apricot chicken severely disagree with me (even though I've previously said that apricot chicken goes okay). So sadly and with much regret, they both get added to the blacklist.

...blergle.

Help.

There. I said it. Help me, damnit!

Pain. Was meant to have a short week at work last week, with it being slow and all, but was offered the chance to go and play in stores (rather than my normal office work) on Thursday and Friday. It's an opportunity I relish because the day just goes so much faster, and it's something different, and I would have been paid for it as opposed to taking holiday leave or taking the days unpaid. Thursday, got up and got ready for work. Knees, hips and back had other plans. Ended up taking both Thursday and Friday off, and instead of getting better everything is just getting worse. Pain inventory stands at; neck, back (lower and upper), elbows, wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles. And throw in a headache for good measure.

Crohn's. I feel like I'm preparing for a colonoscopy. Damn, even the picoprep didn't quite work as effectively as whatever it is that's making me poop. Thought things would improve when I came off the antibiotics. Sure, no slime, and there's no blood, but hello waterfall from my butt! Yes, I know, way too descriptive, but at the present second I really don't care.

Continually on the verge of crying lately too, and I don't think I can blame the Pred for that, seeing as I'm easing off it. I'm stressing about random crap too. There's a lot of stuff going on lately that I just don't want to deal with, or would like someone to help me deal with it, and it's just not happening. Feeling muchly like I'm losing it. Just so many things that I shouldn't be crying over and yet it happens.

So yeah. Somebody? Please? Teeny bit of help? Just maybe before I turn into a complete basket case? So fed up with the pain, and the inconveniences, and not being me anymore.

Awake? Maybe...

Mmmm coffee...... Swear I'll wake up soon. :)

So. As of last Thursday we're back down to three day weeks at work. Wish things would pick up again. Sure it's nice having a four day weekend, but I place a higher value on the money I'd otherwise be earning. Eh. As a result of the three day weeks again, and telling the parents about it, my fish (and the snail!) are now at home. :D Battle has been won. The war, however, continues. When I said about the three day weeks, mum suggested I might need to bring the fish home. Dad grumbled, but really, there wasn't all that much he could whinge about. So Monday arvo I drove them home, cringing every time I heard the swishing of water. Got them home and possibly because of a combination of the very little water I'd left in the tank and the whole moving gig, they sat there glaring at me refusing to move until I topped up their tank and turned it green again. They seemed happier then. White spots are shrinking a little which is a good sign. :)

Friday was spent sleeping in, shopping and reading. See, some of my friends have started up this book club thing, and they've invited me along. The book/series they're discussing at the next meet up is the Twilight saga. Up until Friday I had been avoiding everything to do with Twilight like the plague. I mean come on! My idea of vampires sticks very closely to the Bram Stoker/Anne Rice style. Meyer on the other hand....... Sparkling vampires? *shrug* Anyway. Thought, what the heck, and went and bought Twilight and started reading it once I got home. A few hours later I dragged myself somewhat reluctantly from it for dinner. Twilight was finished by Sunday morning (which is somewhat faster than I generally read). I now also own the rest of the books (am halfway through New Moon, spoilers for any of the books and I will not be a happy camper) as well as the dvd of Twilight. So I guess you could say that yes, I've jumped on the Twilight fandom band wagon. Though, I am not hopelessly in love with Edward. See, everytime I read or hear that name, I think of either Mr Ed (as in the talking horse) or Ed the loopy hyena from The Lion King, so you could possibly understand that I can't keep a straight face while reading. :D I am rather enjoying the books though, especially seeing as I was never going to so much as touch them.

Anyhoo. Saturday saw me bugger off to Sydney, just for the drive. Made it there, had lunch, came home. Half way home the dizzy and the nausea kicked in, so it made travelling at 110/hr and staying in one lane quite a challenge. Got back home(ish) and went to a coffee shop in dire need of coffee. Revived myself, then wandered to the new liquor store and bought Bundy and some random scotch that was cheap. I now have a well stocked liquor cupboard. Went home and died a little.

Slept from 11:30 to 2:30 on Saturday night, all of that interrupted by quite a big lot of pain, mostly coming from my stomach. Bitch.

Sunday saw me stagger to the shops for ginger anti-nausea stuff, the rest of the Twilight stuff, and powerboards for my fish tank filter/light. Also saw a small birthday thing with the family, then to bed early. Presents involved jewellry, a snazzy comfy computer chair (which rocks, quite literally, as well as being awesome), and a new alarm clock/radio.

And then Monday rocked around. Yay, birthday, am now 22. Felt much older than I am, mostly because I was aching everywhere. Worked, and did all the normal everyday stuff. In all, birthday was an ordinary day, but hey. It was okay. Took the fish home (as mentioned above), and enjoyed a few drinks (the nausea and dizzy held off on my birthday, how nice of them...).

Yesterday, felt like crap. Arthritis causing issues, tiredness, cold, nausea, dizziness.... Got home at quarter to five and went to bed (okay, so I was reading, but I was still in bed trying not to throw up).

Today? Eh. It's barely started. My hips hurt, quite a bit actually, and my fingers and wrists are twinging a bit. Back's aching a tad, knee and ankle.... Can't feel my toes, they're too cold. Coffee.... isn't registering yet. Perhaps I need another one? Or maybe I just need to go home before I can't drive... Eh.

The cats are on my side!

So there's this cat that lives somewhere nearby. Beautiful black and white fluffy cat. Months ago, mum and I were outside and it came into the backyard and was meowing and looked scruffy and yeah. Eventually encouraged it to come over and was trying to read the tag on it's collar when dad came out and scared it away (deliberately. Animal hater! And yes dad, I will rub that in any chance I get that you hate the main thing that makes me happy.). Anyway. Said black and white cat no longer comes in our yard when anyone is outside. It does however come and sleep on our comfy outdoor chairs (black and white fur indicates this, as does the occasional glimpse of it as it runs away in the mornings when we turn the light on).

That's the history of the story. The rest of it goes: I want a cat. Dad says no. The other afternoon I couldn't help but laugh. I'd just gotten home from work and was talking to dad in the kitchen, looking out the window while talking. Dad was unpacking the dishwasher so couldn't really see out the window. We have colourbond (metal) fences all around our yard, and occasionally you'll see a cat take a few cautious steps on the top (which is capped so it wouldn't hurt their feet, but it is very narrow) then jump down into a neighbouring yard. While talking to dad, I watched a beautiful brown tabby cat trot along one side neighbour's fence, turn, and start trotting along the back fence. By the time he was half way along I was laughing enough for dad to ask what it was about. I pointed as the cat continued to trot along the fence, and then as if to say "Nyah nyah!", he turned again and trotted along the other side neighbour's fence some distance before jumping down into their yard. All I could say was "The black and white one must have told him not to come in our yard".

...Yeah, not so humourous in the retelling, but it was somewhat amusing at the time. I swear the cats are on my side.

So. Onto the normality of my blogs.

I hate antibiotics. I am sick of crapping liquid (or near enough to it) wrapped in a nice coating of slime. I'm worried in a way though that it's a Crohn's flare and not the antibiotics. I'm getting the Crohn's pains again, and I have backed off the Pred since the last time I had severe problems with the old hag. Though I'm not sure if certain foods are bugging it, and if it were the old hag again then those foods would be causing utter chaos. The thing that bugs me the most at the moment though isn't just that it's more liquified than usual, it's that every single time I go to the ladies my gut/butt decides, "Oh, you're peeing, so you must need to poop too" and I swear it just starts leaking and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Hate!

I did however cave in and read all the fine print on the pamphlet that comes with the antibiotics to see where it said I couldn't have alcohol. Because as everyone knows, antibiotics and alcohol are supposedly a big no-no. But no! I find the bit re alcohol and it just says be careful because in some people it can have adverse affects. But otherwise go ahead! Eat, drink and be merry! So I take that as a thumbs up and off I go. Well.... I allowed myself a drink. Currently alternating each night between Kahlua and gin. Hadn't really had either before, but they were both cheap, and they didn't have my regular rum and I didn't want the other one, so I thought what the heck and bought them and I like them. And there's a lot of ands in that sentence. Oops..... :)

My little black fish still has those big white spots on his side. I'm worried that they won't clear up, the poor thing. Need to turn the water green again soon. I hope it helps him... Otherwise I think they might hate me today. I forgot to turn their light off last night before I left.

Got my money back from my tax return the other day. Just trying to decide whether to spend it on the camera I want or to chuck it in savings. I don't really need the camera, rather just want it, but it could be handy. *shrug* Maybe I can do both.

Sleep! Wonderful sleep!

Friday saw me trundle off to work. Also saw me trundle back home less than an hour later. Feeling pukey, dizzy, sore throat, ears blocked, nose blocked, coughing. The whole shebang. Curled up and watched Weeds. Instant fixer-upper, though a bit of a downer when I realised I have no more new episodes to watch. I believe I may have tried to read at some point too. Took a sleeping tablet and passed out at 8:30 or so, didn't wake up until 8 the next morning when the phone woke me up. Call not for me, was slightly grumpy at being woken up and proceeded to doze for another hour or so.

Saturday saw me wander to Bunnings (giant big hardware store of goodness!) despite feeling like complete and utter crap. Found the paint section and proceeded to gather any piece of paper that had a pretty colour on it (read: bright colours). See, I want my own place one day, but am getting impatient with the whole waiting until I have a deposit saved. Getting paint chips reminds me that I need the deposit in order to get my own place in order to paint it with said pretty colours. Went home, sat and crocheted for the afternoon. Blanket is vaguely happening. Had another sleeping tablet after The Bill (British drama-y goodness, oh how I love it!) and didn't wake up for ten and a half hours. Lovely!

Yesterday I felt a bit better (yay! Happy dance!) and went out again (the answer to "Do I ever have a day where I don't go out?" is "Yes, once in a blue moon"). Found fun comfy chairs to play with (seriously, when did office chairs become good enough that you can use them as an arm chair AND a rocking chair?), the camera I want for over $100 less than RRP (will buy after next pay day. Insert happy squealing here!), and horseshoe gramma (makes for delicious pies made by mum).

No sleeping tablets, and thus today I've been awake since 3am. Insomnia is a bitch that I would like to slaughter. Can't have slaughter without laughter...... Ahem. Have had coffee. Much. Very strong. Am awake. Really. But on the bright side, I do feel somewhat better today. While I'm still dizzy, my nose is unblocked enough that I can breathe through it, and my ears seem to be unblocking occasionally, which is awesome for hearing.

My fish appreciated a water change. And I proceeded to dye their water green again. :D Worried about my little black one. Still has the white spot on his side. Not sure if it might be getting bigger too.... New plants are in order I think too. Next pay day.... Running slightly low on money this fortnight. That's what I get for trying to save and spend at the same time.

So yesterday was a day at home. I rang the doctor's surgery in the morning and whinged and whinged enough that they squeezed me in, despite having no appointments left. GP was in a friendly mood when I saw him, possibly because it was just after lunch, but whatever the reason, I'm not complaining. Talked to him about the arthritis, which the rhumy had just said in his letter was inflammatory arthritis, no name or anything. Intelligent idiot that I am though, I forgot to ask for pain killers. Did get a renewal for a script I needed, and got put on antibiotics for the cold with strict instructions to go back immediately if my cough turns into a chesty one. Incidentally, the antibiotics he put me on? They're the ones he put me on last time I was sick for ages. And the diarrhea never went away. And they diagnosed me with Crohn's. Also asked for sleeping tablets, and was given them (or at least the prescription, I had to pay for the meds) on the proviso that I don't take them every night and get myself hooked.

Otherwise yesterday was a typical sick day. Grumpy, tired, sore throat, blocked ears, headaches.... Yet it was actually a rather productive day. Finished reading Tandia by Bryce Courtenay, restarted my scarf (for the gazillionth time 'cause I keep stuffing it up) and got a bit of it done (before my elbow started complaining), played the ds for a while, watched some of my The Cook and The Chef dvds (note to self: must make the lamb and barley stew!), and started reading The Girl In Time Square by Paullina Simons.

Today I'm at work. I have trouble dealing with my family sometimes when I'm healthy, it's made all the more difficult when I'm not well. Don't get me wrong, most of the time we get along fine. Just sometimes they're, well.... Family. Still not anywhere near 100%, still stuffed up beautifully in the nose, ears are on holiday, head's aching a bit, throat has improved a bit but is still sore.... Bah to colds.

Changed the water for the fish today. Not even sure that it needed it, but they've had the same water nearly two weeks now, so I figure it can't hurt. Turned their water green again too. And managed to confuse them something wonderfully by giving them some new/different food. They're used to flakes, and I thought they might like some granules for a treat. You know, I think I'm actually growing quite fond of them, as opposed to just having them because they're the only animal I'm allowed to have. Particularly my little black one. He's cute. ^.^

Need to be harder on myself. I can manage this for maybe a day, and then I cave and break and end up with stuff from the vending machine, or fast food. Need to be hard! I am a rock! Can't break if I'm a rock. :D

Also worried slightly about the poop. Today I had the urgent "must go now" bit, and went and it was slimey. Like it was before the meds. So I don't know if it's the lack of Pred, something I've eaten or drank (I found guava juice. I love it lots.), or the antibiotics. *sigh* Why can't things just be simple for once? And particularly involving something as simple as wretched poo!

Also, I think I love these. They're amusing things that I've found at a few stores here recently, and I can't help but smile when I see them. Possibly the sick and twisted humour of a Crohnie, but hey. Sometimes, you've gotta laugh or you'll cry.

http://www.the-turds.co.uk/

Bah Humbug

So what does a bad cold and joint pain and lack of sleep do to me? Makes me a darn heap grumpier than usual for one. Also makes me tired and snuffly and sore too.

Went to bed about 10:30ish, was asleep by 11. 2am rocks around and either my hip (which had decided I needed pain) or my cold woke me up. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. It's now nearly 12 hours later and I'm still waiting to get back to sleep. Which will have to wait until after work. And dinner.

The cold. The evil, shit faced cold. And yes, I'll swear outright. It's been gradually getting worse, but never really anything more than a snuffly nose and a vaguely stuffy head. My throat is butchering me, and I'm having all sorts of fun hearing. Again, this is since 2am. And I now have a drawer of my desk solely dedicated to cough drops. I have Butter Menthols, Eucalyptus and Honey things, and then just plain ol' Eucalyptus ones.

And then there's the joints. Usual whinging about them and the doctors goes here.

I think I may need to march myself off to the GP and get him to give me painkillers and sleeping tablets and something for the cold/flu. I can't see my sanity remaining intact much longer if this all keeps up.

On the other hand, my dosage of Prednisone was reduced again this morning to 20mg. Could other people please do the Yay Happy Dance for me? This involves jumping up and down slightly, though not too much, squealing like a child, waving your arms, and flapping your hands. Grinning like a mad person is also part of the Yay Happy Dance. If it helps, have a strong coffee about ten minutes before doing said dance. I would do it myself, except the above mentioned crap is kinda weighing me down and outweighing the happy.

Mentioned breeding fish at home last night. Surprisingly, didn't get any form of argument from my father. Coulda knocked me over with a feather. I think though that there may be slightly stronger protesting if I went about trying to set a tank up at home though. Eh. We'll see.

Speaking of fish, my fish at work are still going well (albeit unnamed). The little black one still has his white spot on his side, but I don't think it's getting any bigger, so there's a plus. Still, I've made the water go bright green again. It can't hurt, and hopefully it'll start clearing it up soon if I keep the treatment up. Cute little thing. Hope it isn't hurting him. :(

No kitten in the bottom drawer. :P

The Gutsy Girl

http://thegutsygirl.blogspot.com/

That blog up there? I've been watching her pretty much since I started blogging here. And she's awesome.

If you're reading this, reading your blog often makes me feel better when I'm having a "waaaah why do I have to be the only person on the planet dealing with this?" moment (also brings me back down to earth and reminds me that I am not indeed the only person on earth dealing with it). Also, the food you're cooking and sharing with the world? Looks absolutely amazing and delicious and I'm itching to try my hand at some of it. So thankyou for blogging!

Disney and pain

Hmmm. So. The weekend. It existed. There we go, that's a start. :)

Saturday came and it was sunny! It's been raining a fair bit recently, or at least threatening to, so I took the opportunity to do what the rhumy suggested and go for a walk. I packed me and the camera into the car and went to a nearby botanic gardens and went trigger happy. It was nice to get out and relax for a few hours, but things started aching a bit.

Got home and got sorted out again and then off I went to go and see the magic that is Disney On Ice - Princess Wishes. Me? Adult? I think not! Was going with a friend, so went to pick her up from work and had a coffee while I waited. Double shot latte. Do you know how long it takes for a double shot latte to start wearing off? At least four or five hours. Be afraid.

Disney was amazing! The skaters were fantastic, the music was obviously Disney awesomeness, the costumes were gorgeous to the point that I wanted to run down there and steal them (particularly the Flounder and Lumiere ones)... My inner child has never loved me so much! Bought a program as a souvenir (it came with a pretend rose), and a stuffed toy of Sebastian (I may love him a little too much, and mostly just because of that accent).

Had dinner afterwards in the form of some very yummy fried rice. This was after my attempt at reverse parking. Not such a good idea when coming down off a coffee high. I think I gave up after about the tenth attempt when I just sat there giggling. Easier to find a different park.

Also felt rather pretty on Saturday night. I put effort in. I wore my pretty top that cost me $70 odd, and I let my hair curl, and I wore mascara. And when I got home and caught myself in the mirror, I actually felt pretty. I should try this more often. I should also have taken a photo so I'd remember it.

Speaking of photos, of nearly 400 taken at Disney, only about 3 came out clear. They were all moving too fast!

Saturday night was met with agony and insomnia. Pain in my back, hips, knees and ankles that woke me up and then the delightful insomnia that kept me awake from 2 till 4:30. My rhumy? He says to me last time, "Go for walks, get good sleep, they'll ease the pain.". Yep. 'Kay. How about some pain killers for the agony those walks give me? How about some sleeping tablets to get rid of the insomnia? Oh, you don't want me turning into a druggie? Well you and the GI don't seem to have much of an issue pumping me to the eyeballs with steroids! Pain relief please now!

Dragged out of bed about 10:30 on Sunday morning, having been awake for ages trying to get back to sleep. In utter agony most of the day. Took me over an hour to make my bed. Seriously need something done and I don't see the rhumy again until the 14th of August. Grumpiness will ensue.

Today, still stiff and sore, though not quite to the extent of yesterday. Just taking things as easy as possible. Also plotting for next weekend. Perhaps skipping the walk because I plan on being on my feet a fair bit cooking. Am thinking lasagna and garlic bread. Well, really I'm thinking garlic bread, and whatever main I happen to think will go best with it at the time. :D I love garlic bread.

Am I breaking?

o.O

Seriously, wondering if I might be slightly broken. In good ways though! Just random little things aren't so much me recently. A bit out of character I guess. I'm wondering if maybe the meds have changed me a little. I've heard that steroids and such (eg Pred) can change you a bit while you're on them, but the changes I've noticed have mostly been since I started backing off them. I mean, sure, I got more grumpy and upset and stuff while I was on the higher dosages, but otherwise I think I stayed the same. Just recently is when I've noticed the changes.

Like things that would normally have me in tears for hours (even before the meds), don't bother me. They just slide past. Or at most I'll cry for maybe a minute then stop. It's strange. And sure, the cranky pants still happen, but not in the same way or to the same extent. I'm a lot calmer too, which feels really weird. I never used to be calm. Never. There was always something ticking over, sparking something in me, but never calm. Decisions seem easier to make too. And not just the little ones. Big, life changing decisions are on the whole easier to decide on. And I'm able to be hard on myself, where as before I just would have decided I was too tired or sore or something.

Eh. Not that I'm complaining about any of this, it's merely observations. And I've got to admit, it is making certain things easier.

*witty blog title goes here*

Was thinking about updating this yesterday but I had a wonderful temper and even the Internet didn't deserve to have that thrown at it.

Monday I set the new fish tank up at work. The fish (and the snail) seem to be thoroughly enjoying the extra room, the filter and the light. Mind, the water also went bright green when I added a multi cure thing to it. Sadly my little black moore has a white fungusy spot on his side, so I'm trying to get rid of it for him. Doesn't seem to be bothering him too much, but I figure he'd rather be healthy.
Was also right in the fact that I couldn't really move on Monday, though not quite in the way I expected. I could actually feel my arms, it was my upper back and shoulders that got angry at me about the boxing. Best way to shut that up? Do it again! :) Sore, but fun.

Yesterday I dropped the amount of Prednisone again. Down to 25mg a day, so I'm happy. Once I'm off it I swear I'm never going on it again. Evil stuff. Evil I tell you!
Was still a bit achey yesterday, but not as bad as Monday. Ended up in a right temper when I got home so beat the crap out of the Wii's boxing bag. Many times. It felt good. I'd get to the end of the thing and go "Am I calm yet?". If the answer was no, I continued beating things up. Focusing on the timing of things (perfect timing gets double points) takes my mind off things.

Funnily enough, I'm not sore today. Yay! One thing I want to say: coffee is a God. Really. Particularly nice, strong coffee. Wakes me up, takes away the hungry. Magic stuff.

Making a few decisions recently too.

Going to try drinking a bit less. Not that I drink excessively or anything, maybe three or four drinks a week, but it couldn't hurt to try a little bit less. Also going to just stick to cheap wine I think. Sadly, despite my love of Bundy, it's a little too expensive, even when it's on sale. Lucky I like wine. :)

Trying to cut my spending too. I have an annoying habit of trawling the shops in my spare time, and I haven't quite got the concept of "window shopping" worked out. Sadly am the "have money, will spend" type.
So. My saving money ideas involve:
- Staying the hell away from the shops. Unless of course I actually need something. And then it might just be safer to give someone the money and send them. No impulse buys that way.
- Bring lunch from home. And avoid the vending machine at work. This also works in with my losing weight plan because my lunch from home currently consists of shakes (yummy ones), and morning tea is a banana. The shakes work out at $3.50 each, and my parents buy the bananas, so it's a heck load cheaper than buying food every day.
- Exercising more. Again, works in with the weight loss stuff too, but I figure the more time I spend doing exercise, the less time I have to spend money. Also, walking can save on fuel money.
- Taking more photos. A/it's something to do, B/it's something I enjoy and need to spend more time doing, and C/it's again following the theory of the more time I spend doing that, the less time I have to spend money.

As mentioned above, am also attempting to shed the weight. Am eating less, and eating a bit better, and also working out a bit. Hopefully this will work. I'm being a bit harder on myself than usual too, and making myself do stuff when usually I'd go, nah, I'm too tired or too sore. The above mentioned boxing on the Wii seems to be maybe helping some of the joint issues, albeit only when I'm doing it, though it does seem to play up a bit with my right hip. Mind, it's always sore now, so it can't hurt to do it.

I'm looking at gaining my independence too in about six months, hence the mad saving and lack of spending. I'm tired of having to rely on everyone, and quite honestly I need my own space too. Things are starting to pick up a bit at work which is nice, and while family can be lovely, sometimes (a lot of the time) a little bit can go a veeeery long way. So, the caravan park/relocatable home place across the road from work is starting to look very tempting. Okay, so the places are small, and there'd be strata fees, but looking at it they're about the only downsides, if they can be called downsides.
The positives?
- Saving money on fuel (at least $20 per week) by walking out the driveway, across the road and into work's driveway.
- Strata covers grounds maintenance, pool, tennis court and I think bbq area and security shuttle bus. Therefore, I don't have to do a thing maintenance wise and yet get to use these things. Yay!
- Smallish two bedroom place means less cleaning than a large place.
- Smallish two bedroom place is still bigger than teeny tiny shoebox of a bedroom.
- Owning, not renting.
- Freedom/independence from family.
- Freedom/independence in general
- Able to fill the need to decorate a house. Seriously, I don't get clucky for babies, I get clucky for a house and decorating it.
- Neighbours being close enough (and possibly nosey enough :P) that if something goes wrong they'll hopefully notice and be able to help.
- Neighbours being close enough that jumpy old me will feel a bit more secure.

Okay, so there's bills and rates and such. I get that, I expect that. I'm allowing for that. I also know there are going to be days where I can't really do much because of the Crohn's or the arthritis. But you know what? That's why freezers, microwaves and cooking in advance were invented. And being so close to work I could possibly last longer on my bad days, knowing that I just have to waddle back across the road as opposed to trying to manage a car with bad joints, and also the traffic.

So um.... yeah. That's about all I had to blurt out, I think. Maybe....? :)

Oh! That's what else. Carrot cake? Doesn't go so good with the gut. :(

This is me, giving Crohn's and arthritis the finger.

So I'm fed up of not being able to do things because I'm too sore, from one or the other of Crohn's or arthritis. Absolutely fed up. So I'm giving them both the finger and saying stuff you to them both. To start my protest against them both (possibly moreso the arthritis right now), this weekend I have: cooked. Twice. Been shopping. Multiple times. Exercised! 45 minutes on the Wii, mostly boxing. I won't move tomorrow, but it'll be worth it. I have also eaten copious amounts of things that are bad for me (both weight wise and making-me-poop wise, see bolognese and burritos).

Shopping, I finally caved, admitted I'm fat (like the giant purple stretch marks weren't a give away...), and went into the shop I've not had to go into before. The plus size shop. Albeit the plus size shop with pretty things. Just one issue I have with the place (apart from not wanting to be plus size), is that it seems plus size stores assume that because you are large, you have extra money. Ie, a shirt that you could buy in a size 16 in a regular store may cost say $15 to $20. Maybe $25 at a push. Take same shirt (even same size because that's what size the clothes start at there) and put it in the plus size store, and bam! $50 thankyou. I'm not kidding! Cheapest thing I got was $50. I spent nearly $200 and walked away with a pair of jeans, a shirt, and a kaftan. Normally I would pay no more than $60 for the lot. But hey. I bit the bullet, I've admitted I'm fat, I found some clothes that I can wear at the moment while my pudge is doing the whole white rolly fat thing, and in the meantime I can work my backside off and try to get to where I want to be (a whole few sacks of potatoes lighter).

As mentioned, have also cooked this weekend. Carrot cake came out lovely. Nice and moist, tasting of cinnamon, and yeah. Quite please with first effort at one of my fave cakes. Also cooked dinner last night, a Jamie Oliver recipe titled "The best chicken and sweet leak pie with flakey pastry". Didn't turn it into a pie, left it rather as a stew (filling without the pie) as the recipe said you could, and served it with potato, pumpkin and peas, and did some puff pastry squares in the oven to go on top. Went down well, with even my brother (world title of fussy eater could be held by him) saying he liked it and I can make it again. Just as well 'cause the amount I made (one quantity, supposed to feed four) made enough for two meals for the four of us. Oops. But it was nice.

For anyone interested, the recipe is in his Jamie's Dinners book. Bloody fantastic book, well worth the buy.

Have also started knitting a scarf, much to my fingers' disgust. But I figure, they already bloody hurt (as do my hips, knees, back, etc, etc), so why the hell not? In theory, can't make them worse...

Found season three of Weeds on dvd (finally!) the other day as well, so bought it and have been getting my fix. Note: I do not promote the use of any drugs other than those prescribed by a doctor, Western or traditional. Except for, of course, my beloved Bundy rum. :) And even then, drink only in moderation people!!! Too much is bad.

Update

Dear Gods my hip has decided to try and murder me in the most painful way it can possibly manage. Gargh! Knee is occasionally joining in on the attack. Bitches.

Despite this, I have managed to cook in the new kitchen. Go me! Carrot cake for the first time ever. I love a nice carrot cake, so hopefully this one will be nice. Dry ones suck quite badly, but a moist one is delicious.

Also managed to head to the shops and buy new ugg boots and a fish tank for my fishies. They're spoilt. Classy tank it is, and I snagged a free underwater camera with it. Albeit a cheapy, but hey. I won't argue with free stuff, particularly with what I paid for the tank! My hip did hate me while I drove though, and more than once I was seeing stars. Not really a good sign.

Crohn's wise, my butt's settled down, but we'll see how it goes. Burritos (the pretend kit ones available in Oz) for dinner tonight. Nice, and I do enjoy them, but absolutely nothing beats the real thing. Seriously, there are days where I would pay $100 just to get my hands on a proper burrito made by a Mexican. No one else can make real burritos. Really.

Cold is still attacking me. Hate for it. Much hate. Anyone want a cold? Free to a good home! Any home actually....

Damn. I now have a giant fish tank in my shoebox all weekend. :P

*Insert obscenities here*

So yesterday right? Dad cooked dinner. Nothing wrong with that, dad usually cooks dinner, and it's usually something I enjoy and tastes great. No exception last night, fantastic bolognese. Enjoyed it greatly. At least, while I was eating it I did. Slept kinda alright, nothing to indicate anything was wrong.

Today, woke up, went to the shops. Felt mildy off, couldn't quite put my finger on it though. Coped alright, and then came home and had lunch. Maybe around 1 or 2 this afternoon though? Liquid. And slime. And blood. Expletives go here. Three Imodium later, and I'm still not sitting entirely comfortable. Blood could possibly have just been from a split (my butt seems to be doing a good job of getting those lately), but it was a fair amount if that were the case. Mind, it has eased, so I'm crossing everything I can and hoping that's what's going on. Still vaguely slimed up and liquidy. In any case, bolognese is now a definite no-no. *sad face goes here* I quite enjoy a nice bolognese.

Joint wise, fingers aren't quite as bad as they were yesterday, though still twinging occasionally. At the moment/most of today it's been my hips that are causing the biggest problem. My back and knees and such are twinging a bit too, but hey. Oh, and I got woken up by yet another shite of a cramp in my leg, this time my left one. Funny how before all these meds started I'd only ever had one cramped leg in my entire life, and since starting the meds they've been occurring quite regularly. Extremely painful, both physically and mentally (I need some uninterrupted sleep, damnit!).

Unrelated to the Crohn's or arthritis.....

Bought another soapstone hippo today at the Oxfam fairtrade store. This one's for on my desk at work. Also bought two cds (rainforest and Aussie bush sounds) at Australian Geographic, and bought a soft foam ball thing that looks like the earth for my brother. Think he likes it. Not sure. *shrug*

The rainforest cd is good- calming, relaxing. Quite enjoying it. Had it on for a while ealier with a candle going. Worked on some of those things to stick up on the wall again this afternoon. Seriously, I've now got those motivational bits stuck up on my wardrobe door, and they're unmissable from anywhere in my shoebox of a room. Told you I meant to do it! :P Mind, I did promptly ignore most of them and eat pizza for dinner (let's see how that goes tomorrow....).

Pain.

Owww...... Sore as all get out today. Fingers, hands, wrists, elbows, shoulders.... Hips, back, knees.... Heck even my feet and toes are aching. I get the feeling that maybe the amount of Pred I was on was helping, even if only slightly. Thus, reduced amount of Pred equals increased amount of pain.

In all probability, none of the above is going to be helped by the stupid cold I have that just won't go away. Sinusy and snuffly and very foggy in the head, plus the odd muscular ache and pain. Bah humbug.

Otherwise, am enjoying a lesser amount of the evil (aka Pred) and hopefully it won't be too much longer before the weight and hair on my face start disappearing. Yay!

Oh, and am letting my inner child loose and going to see Disney On Ice with a friend on the 18th. Who said there was such a thing as too old for Disney? Dirty talk that is! ;D

Have the next four days off work too. Obviously the weekend is there, but I get Thursday and Friday off too this week. Work's a bit quiet, but it's starting to pick up again, so just until we get a bit more in I get a four day weekend. Will sleep in I think. And go shopping. And maybe do some cooking and drop it in for people at work. :) I'm a nice person. :P

Meds and Money

Went and saw the GI yesterday after work. Things seem to be going okay. Inflammatory markers are within normal/close to normal. At the request of the rhumy, the Pred has been reduced. Instead of 40mg a day, I'm now on 30mg for a week, then 25mg for a week, then down to 20mg. I stay at that until I see the GI again, in about a month. Am somewhat stoked about this, just still scared that I won't be able to be weaned off it completely.

There was also talk about Infliximab as opposed to Humira. It was mentioned in the letter the rhumy sent the GI, so I guess that's the one they're going to aim for. It also seems the rhumy will be the one dealing with that, because while there's hoops to jump through either way, it seems for the arthritis they're just hoops, but for the Crohn's it appears they like to douse them in flammable liquid and set them on fire. Oh, and maybe blindfold you for good measure too. Not so sure about the Infliximab, but will worry about it when they're actually going to put me on it.

Am sore today. Elbows, shoulders/upper back, and my fingers are going too. Worried slightly that it could be from the drop in Pred. Will have to keep an eye on it. Am very tired too. Need sleep.

Support group tonight. Hoping to make it. We'll see.

Payday tomorrow. And late night shopping on Thursday. There's a shirt I've seen somewhere, and despite it being $70 I can't get it out of my head, I think I'm going to go and get it. Or at least try it on. :)
Plants may or may not be going to appear on my work desk. Am leaning towards those small bamboo plants in the pretty pots, just for ease of looking after, and also because I have a rather not so green thumb. Seriously, I have managed to kill every single plant I've owned, and that's saying a fair bit seeing as the only plants I've ever had have all been cacti.
Am also going to spoil my fish. They've been swimming around in an unfiltered, 6 litre bowl since I got them, along with the two or three plants (which I might add, they've finally stopped uprooting!). There's a tank I'm looking at getting them and setting up over the weekend which is significantly bigger (20 litres), and includes a filter and (I think!) a light. Will also get more plants for them, a different brand of weekend feeders (they're fussy buggers and won't eat the current ones I get for them), and maybe a statue or two for decoration. If they're lucky they might get some live food too. :) See? I'm a good pet owner.

Gargh hands hurt!

Awareness

http://awarenessgiftboutique.com/cgi-bin/store/cpshop.cgi/causescg.awarenessgifts.6036038+crohns-disease-awareness-t-shirts-and-gifts.html

I was looking for what colour the Crohn's awareness ribbon is (turns out it's dark purple) and scrolling through the Google search results and found the above site. Well, moreso the main page of it, and I started crying. Relief. Someone at least is taking the effort to try and promote awareness of my disease, someone is trying to promote awareness that it needs a cure. I think I might just love this person.

Weighty issues....

So I went to work on Friday. And I actually worked a bit extra too. Just some work for a customer that needs doing rather quickly so yeah. Extra time got done. Doesn't worry me, I offered to do it, and it'll make up maybe a little bit of the time I've had off with my hands. Also decided on Friday night that if I was well on Saturday I'd go for a drive (Dad wasn't feeling up to going to Sydney for the symposium).

Saturday I was woken up by a shite of a cramp in my right leg. Bitch! I need that leg for driving! Let it calm down, massaged it a bit, then crawled out of bed to see if I could walk. Walking was doable, so I packed me, the camera, the Imodium, and the two rolls of loo paper into the car and off I went. Stopped for breakfast and was about to go again when I got a phone call from a really good friend. Just to chat, but it was fantastic to hear from him. He has a bad habit of calling once I've already gone to bed, and my phone's usually on silent anyway. Set off again and started enjoying the day even more. That lasted maybe another hour until the cold symptoms kicked in (again!). They just won't go away. Kept going, and took one of my usual drives through the Hunter Valley.

I love that place. I was raised there. It's home. And there's usually a very strong pull at the heart strings to go there and stay there. It was missing yesterday. Something wasn't right. It was still a very pretty drive through the country (what I remember of it, I slipped into auto pilot because of the cold), but it didn't tug the heart strings, and that makes me a little sad. For years, despite not living there anymore, it's been the place I go to to think and to calm down when I'm stressed or angry or upset. And I always feel free and safe and welcome there. But I just wasn't getting that yesterday. It was just another place, with no meaning. I'm not so much sad that the feeling is gone, it's just I've always viewed myself as belonging there because of that feeling. With the feeling gone, I guess I don't really belong there anymore, which is fine, but what bugs me is where do I belong then? If I'm not still the country kid at heart, then who am I? I know I'm a little lost right now, but that's about it. Maybe I need to start creating the person I want to be. I dunno. Random thoughts that probably don't make sense. Eh.

I've thought recently that my stretch marks have been a little bit painful. Stinging, burning, that kinda thing. Last night I discovered that yes indeed they have been painful, and there's a reason. They're actually splitting open. Well, at least one has. Just a small split, but enough to bleed. I've fattened up at a rate where I am actually splitting my skin. Embarassing much? So the crash exercise/eating regime has begun (again. For the gazillionth time.) today. As a result, I got to weight myself on the Wii. When I first bought that, I entered that I wanted to lose 10 kilos. Instead I have managed to gain more than that. I'm now up to 91.5 kilos. A kilo a week gained. And it takes me a month to lose a kilo. I'm a year behind where I wanted to be. Actually, more than that, but hey. Hopefully if I hit things hard I can speed that up a bit. And coming off the Pred is now a big issue. I can't stay on a med that is essentially causing me to split myself at the seams. Glad in a way for that arthritis now.....

Today, woken up by fecking birds. They're the nuisance Minahs, and they insist on tapdancing on the tin roof under my window and squawking as loud as possible. Then they repeat the process on my window sill. Bastards. I needed sleep! Dragged out of bed, wandered around some shops, exercised on the Wii, wandered around some more shops and came home again in pain. The muscle in my leg that cramped yesterday is being a bitch and is all tight and sore. As a result it's making me walk funny, and thus my knees and hips have given out, and my back's following suit. And I can't really do much more in the intended line of exercise now either. :(

Am also tired as all buggery. Despite it only being 2:30 in the arvo, it feels like I should have been asleep for the past few hours. It really feels so much later. *sigh* And I have to drag out of bed for work in the morning. Bah. I just need a few days where I can sleep for as long as I need to, not how long is dictated by the alarm, or my screwed up body, or the damned birds! Never mind. Coffee is a god. :)

And now off to write pretty brightly coloured motivational signs telling me "Don't eat bad foods!" and "Don't give up now!". ........Yes, I seriously am going to do that. Splitting your skin is scary stuff people! It calls for drastic measures! :D

Trip to the rhumy...

Went and saw the rhumy today. Surprise surprise, I have arthritis. What actually was a surprise is that I have two different sorts. The first one is some form of inflamatory joint one (didn't give me a name, I forgot to ask), which the Pred is possibly helping. The second one is one that affects the tendons and such, which the Pred is most likely aggrevating. So in a way I was right, the Pred is causing some of my pain. Currently, my xrays help me qualify for Humira, the blood tests don't. However, they most likely will once I'm off the Pred. It just means coming off that first. So rhumy's going to have a chat to the GI, so hopefully on Monday he'll start weaning me off that. And I didn't even have to ask!

In a way no more Pred will be fantastic. No more yucky side effects, and hopefully weight loss will ensue. I am scared however of the possibility of more pain. Yes, pain scares me. I deal with a fair amount of it on a daily basis, but the thought of more pain honest to Gods makes me curl up slightly into the foetal position and my eyes do water slightly at the thought. So here's to me being brave.

So no pain relief given. Apparently nothing much will work anyway, so he's suggested heat packs (which don't really do anything), massage (not really leaning favourably towards letting people poke and prod at the sore parts of me), and gentle exercise (hello? Did you not listen when I said I can't move from the pain?). I've basically just gotta ride it out until they can try and get Humira going for me. And now I'm slightly scared that something will go wrong and I'll either not qualify or I'll have to pay full price (which there's no way on this earth I can afford, no exaggeration) or I'll have a reaction to it and be back at square one.

*sigh* I hate all this guess work. And I really hate everything seeming to go wrong, and then multiply. Bah humbug.

Possibly not going to the symposium either. My brother isn't well and needs trips to hospital every now and then, and it's looking increasingly likely that he'll need to go in over the next few days. Both parents are generally involved with that, and there's not really much of a chance of me driving to Sydney and back on my own. *shrug* Ah well. Maybe next time.