Dear Old Hag Who Lives In Despite Despising My Intestines,
Scrap the "Dear" for one. You evil old hag. You are an insensitive, cruel, harsh, embarrassing, mean, spiteful, hateful, messy woman and my intestines are issuing you with your eviction notice. You were never a welcome tenant (in fact my intestines do not recall advertising space for rent) and you always fail to pay when your money is due.
You are no longer wanted, nor the misery, pain, discomfort, panic and embarrassment that you brought with you. The medicine military that has been sent in to evict you is not exactly welcome either, what with the blowing holes in my sanity and all. Yet despite the chaos that it is putting me through, the military is welcome to stay, as long as you piss the hell off. Yet you won't do that, will you? You'll just find some sneaky place to hide until they're gone and then poof! You'll be back. But don't worry. I'll just send more reinforcements in. They'll get you eventually, even if the doctors decide one day to tear out my dear old intestines, at least that way they might get you too.
Now piss off and don't come back. Bitch.
--Yours In A Shitty Mood
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