Random gloop.

Next time my body tells me it needs Red Bull and pain killers I am not going to ignore it. For real. Promise. Haven't been sleeping well lately, on top of all the normal fatiguey crap. Had someone have a go at me this morning about the amount of meds and stuff I'm on and they seemed to pull up very short of calling me a druggie. So I sat there at work the whole day with no Red Bull and no pain relief. I managed to keep my head off the keyboard, though my colleagues were under strict orders that if they found me face planted on the desk to just leave me there. Also didn't have any pain relief. My head doesn't like me today, so that was a challenge, and my back and hips are arguing with sitting still for 8 hours, but I did it. I am however caving, as damnit I need sleep! Also managed to get my mitts on some Phenerghan which should knock me out for a good few hours.

I really don't think it's fair to be treated like crap just because you have health issues that someone else doesn't have and doesn't/can't/won't understand. I mean, to get the meds to keep you in remission you basically have to turn yourself into a contortionist who doesn't care about their dignity and can leap blindfolded through flaming rings. And then there's not just the 20 questions, but the gazillion questions that the chemist throws at you if it isn't a prescription med (hello codiene), which stop very short of asking you about your mother's sexual history. Well okay, not quite that far, but bloody hell. I don't get why people treat the ligits like druggies, and the druggies get it all for fricking free, along with the sympathetic "Oh, you poor thing, it must be so hard giving up those live destroying drugs". *Insert worn out scream here* Just so fed up with it.

Work is going well. Money is good. Just wish the job had some degree of permanency to it. And I wish I was capable of making up my mind. One minute I've decided I'll move to Canberra, then I change it to Queensland, then West Aus, then somewhere completely random. All I know is I'm tired of where I am, and yet I'm too chicken to leave it.

Gagh. Anyway. I'm gonna bugger off now before I keep on ranting. Hadn't intended to. Really. Honest.

Oh, and I think I've developed an allergy to alcohol. Seems just recently everytime I drink any booze it starts playing up with the airways. All tight and swolen feeling, at least on the inside, as if they're closing up. Rather bothersome. Eh.

I'm a little teapot....

Not really, but I am going slowly but surely insane.

Just a note, odd bit of pee and poop discussion to follow. Good, bad, and ugly. :P

Am off work today. Came home early yesterday and Friday. Spent most of the weekend unable to do anything. Hips, knees, ankles, wrists, hands and fingers all in agony. To the point where it hurt to hold a book, and I was dropping things. Bah humbug. Today, not in quite as much agony, but fingers, wrists and hands still sore, and the cold that's been working it's way into my system decided to gate crash today. Trouble hearing, glands puffy, head on vacation..... Blergh.

Meanwhile, I'm being a whingy whiney brat. Because I damn well can. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself, because no 21 year old should have to deal with all this shite. And yes mum, I'm well aware that there are other people out there who are worse off than me. But also as I said to my mum, I don't give a rats about those people right now. Right now, I just want to indulge in a little bit of self pity, a little bit of woe is me, a little bit of "I feel like crap both physically and mentally and pardon me while I fall apart, can you pass me the superglue in a while?". One day, when I am feeling better, I'm sure I'll care about the rest of the world again.

Going to see the doc again this afternoon. Grumpy pants are on. He sent me to get blood tests done a few days ago, so I went on my way home from work on Friday. As you do, you pee before you leave, thinking you're only getting a jab in the arm. This is now the second time he's ordered me to pee in a jar and I've had to make yet another trip back in there while feeling like crap because he hasn't told me to hold it for the test. Blood test does not equal urine test. Urine test equals urine test. Blood test equals blood tests. I don't mind doing it, I would just appreciate knowing that I'm meant to be doing it so that I can hold it and thus pee on cue.

Apart from the whinging about his lack of telling me things I should know..... Will be talking to him about the pred while I'm there. I'm over it in a very big way. Yes, I do agree, it has most definitely helped quite dramatically. What used to result in me running and crapping liquid fire for half an hour, most often with blood and slime mixed in for artistic reasons (best reason I can think of, because there's nothing else logical.... Who would want a logical body?), now may just go "You need to find a loo yesterday" and then take some form of soft but solid, and rather rapid, escape from my butt.

So yeah, it's helped/helping, but at what cost? I've gained enough weight that my feet now live on my desk when I'm doing my shoes up. I can't bend far enough over to do them up without having great trouble breathing (as in can't breathe, end of story). Also, trouble wiping own butt because of weight. Managing, but difficult. Getting extremely puffed by things which shouldn't make me puffed (standing up for example). It doesn't help when kids turn around in their chairs and stare at you for a good thirty seconds then keep turning around to stare at you. Doesn't help when their parents don't bother to tell them that's rude either. The facial hair is bothering me a lot. It's to the point where I'm rather self conscious with it and I can't help but wonder if others can notice it too. There's the insomnia and complete and utter exhaustion too. I hate it. I'm dead to the world all day then when I go to bed, BAM! Wide awake. Over it. I'm fed up with the mood swings. Sure, others don't like it, but how the hell do they think I feel? I'm the one who can't control her emotions, and I'm also the one putting up with people screaming at me about it. Doesn't quite seem fair to deal with the problem, more problems to try and fix the problem, and people's (often bad) reactions to those problems. So yeah. Going to try and talk him into backing me off the pred. It's not nice, it's not pretty, and I've quite honestly had enough.

Hoping he'll send me to someone who can help with the joints. Wasn't able to drive on the weekend, and he won't give me painkillers that work (ie, tells me to take Panadiene [which isn't working] and gets cranky at me if I take Nurofen or Advil [only things that have any slight affect] because they're bad for Crohn's). Need something done. Can't drive, can't cook, can't knit... Hurts to brush my hair and teeth of a morning sometimes.

Tired of feeling like I'm letting people at work down too. I wasn't employed to sit at home in agony, I was employed to work, and I can't. Maybe I should just quit and let them hire someone who can do the job. Would be better for all involved I think.

Rant

So over being sick and sore all the time! And I'm so over the stinking side effects! The meds are meant to make me better, not hurt me, and make me feel sicker, and make me tired so everything seems worse, and feck with my head. I've had enough!