Here, have a blog.

Hmmm.... I shouldn't post when tired. *shrug* Eh. Anyway. Onwards to a logical post.

Weight this morning is 93.1. Weight is being lost, therefore I am currently winning. The old hag and the Pred are losing. That's all that's important there.

Plans mentioned yesterday involve cracking down on a few areas of my life. No really, I can. I can be hard on myself when I have to be, I just don't like it very much.

Weight needs to be cracked down on. I can't expect to balloon then still be healthy. I wasn't healthy before, and if I'm going to drop dead all of a sudden, I'm stuffed if it's going to be because I'm fat from the Pred. Weights, stepper, rower, cha-cha'ing. And when pay day rocks around I've got my eye on a cross trainer. Am storing the info in a spreadsheet and it automatically graphs it for me. Gotta make the pretty little line go downhill! :D Also tracking the exercise with it too. Will maybe try and rig it up so it tells me when I've done a certain amount of calories or something and that I deserve a book as a result. :)

Money is being tightened. Spare change goes in the beer fund jar (which when full gets taken to the bank and deposited again). Things get queried whether they are a necessity or a luxury. Sales are friends, but only if needed. Fish will be looked after, but no longer spoilt rotten.

Doing things for me now too. Stuff the rest of the world, I'm sure it's capable of looking after itself for a while, surely it doesn't need me to baby sit it. I'm tired of doing things just to keep the peace, despite being stressed and tired and utterly miserable as a result. If it only effects me, then it's my choice, damnit! Me! Me me me! Time to be selfish. If only for a little while.

Ahem. In other news, see the GI tomorrow. A week earlier than I was meant to (the receptionist gave me a date a week early and I've only picked up on it in the past few days), but need to talk to him anyway. Need to see if he can recommend a dietitian, and need to speak to him about the cramps in my legs/feet.

Planning, scheming, etc...

I seem to be spending a lot of my weekends of late away from home. Had a rather nice day today, spent about ten hours behind the wheel, went many places, fell in love with many places (Enter stage left Murrurundi and Quirindi). Feel much better for having the day away. My head's in a slighter better place, and an overall plan of action is taking place. Health, work, life.... All have plans now, just need kickstarting.

Exercise is happening. Have found a song on my playlist that is perfect for the weights, and I've found another one that can be cha-cha'd to. I've got my motivation, but because I'm still very self conscious I won't be sharing my plans for that, at least not for a while. But I'm working on that (the self consciousness that is), in yet another plan. Have also working out my fish stop staring at me when I respond with "Yes, mummy is fat, yes mummy is wobbling, and yes mummy is dancing". They quickly hide. :P But at least saying that lets me laugh at myself.

KFC sends the Crohn's to hell in a handbasket. Seriously, it is the devil if such a character exists. EVIL STUFF!!! Not good to get what I'll now label as KFC Pains when doing 100 clicks an hour and the sides of the road are gravel. Contained agony long enough to slow down to pull safely off the road then bite knuckles in pain for the next few minutes until it subsides. Seriously, it's not food, it's just the devil.

Anyhoo. I'm off to get my weekly dose of British drama (aka The Bill - best medicine I know!) then sleep.

Shakes and strawberries and fish, oh my!

Well damnit. Am attempting to lose the weight, as I've possibly made mention of a few times (or more than a few). Late December last year to Feb/March this year I was doing some shakes for breakkie and/or lunch. They were good, tasted nice, filled me up, started losing weight, yada yada yada.... (Celebrity Slim for anyone wondering) Sadly now, they're one of my biggest triggers for having a shitty day. Pun intended. So I have a drawer full of shakes that I pretty much can't use unless I want to dope myself up on Imodium (which is a God, all hail the mighty Imodium, bow down and offer your sacrifices...). Am exercising a bit though. And cutting back a lot on the junk food. Weights, crunches, and the stepper (could use a phone book, but have a smancy thing designed specifically for stepping on).....

Have discovered however that the old hag doesn't mind strawberries. Which is lovely, because I adore strawberries. Also have either tangerines or tangelos (bought them this morning, can't remember which they are) to try with it. Here's to hoping!

My little black moor has spots again, poor bugger. Meanwhile, he's proving himself to be the stubborn guts of the tank. I have different food for the catfish and the goldfish, so what does the black moor do? Eats the goldfish food, then hunts for the catfish food, finds it, and starts gorging himself on it, and ignoring me when I bash against the tank in an effort to get him to leave it alone. S'pose he takes after his owner a bit there... :)

My head's in an icky place lately. Home, work, being sick, just everything is getting on top of me. Trying to sort it out, currently failing epically.

Oh! Also! Do not try to beat up your work desk! Not only will it win that fight, but it will leave pretty colours on your knuckles. I may or may not know this from experience now... Colours include blue, black, purple and red. Still waiting for the yellow and green. :)

And I think I forgot to mention, finished the Twilight saga. Worth reading, even if it is just to laugh at the sparkly vampires. :D Gave it a five out of ten, mainly for the readability/page turner aspect of it. Good way to fill up your spare time for a few weeks.

Bah smegging humbug.

Turns out I'm very good at having moments. Most recently, the "damnit I just want some fucking answers and/or a cure" moments. I'm just not coping so well right now. I'm over the Crohn's, I'm over the pain, I'm over the being treated like a guinea pig, I'm over being fat, I'm over the stretch marks, I'm over the mood swings..... Then there's the arthritis, and the psoraisis, and the fatigue. And the meds. Just so over everything right now. *sigh* I'm tired, or I'd crap on further about it all.

Random update

So I forgot to update my weight thinger yesterday. Managed to gain weight (yet again)..... 93.6 kilos now. But seriously, how the feck? I've been eating healthier, and less, and I've been backing off the Pred (now down to 10mg, go me!), so how the hell did I gain weight? Okay, so the exercise just didn't happen, but considering the eating habits and such, I'd have thought I'd at least stay at the same weight. *sad face here*

Meanwhile, died my hair. Reddish brown. And then attempted to straighten it this morning before work but it was too hot (seriously, predicted 29 celcius today and it's still winter), so my hair being ever so agreeable has decided to start frizzing again. Stupid hair.

Went back up the Valley yesterday too. Not so much the pull at the heart strings, but did enjoy it, which indicates that the last time I mentioned it must have just been from not feeling well. Would still like to head up there one day, though I'd much prefer Queensland. Beautiful one day, perfect the next. Couldn't be truer. :)

Thinking of moving my "moving out by" date forward. By a year or two. Things work better between me and my family when there's quite a bit of space between us. Ie, me not being in the same house. Sad but true. And as I'd really much rather be on talking terms with them as opposed to changing my name so they can't find me, I think the sooner I go, the better. Though, it does put me in a slightly worse financial position. Bah humbug. Sanity is more important. Dog box of my own? Here I come! :) Besides, if it's just me, the place doesn't need to be huge, or perfect, it just needs to be mine.

Though, if I go ahead and look at moving out, I need a stable job. So jumping on the job search bandwagon huh? Shame. I like it here. Just don't want it to go under.

Eh.

Whooo! I finally have a full meal I can eat without problems! Potato, broccoli, carrot and stroganoff. *happy dance* It's a relief to be able to say yes, I can eat that meal, rather than, maybe I can eat part of it. Yay! Also, roast lamb seems to go well, which is awesome.

Joint pain is still there, and slightly problematic. Like this morning on the way to work when both hips and my back gave out at the same time. Hating it. And hating the doctor too.

Oh and work? Not only is my boss leaving, one of the people from accounts is bailing too. Oh, and the random salesperson.... My resignation letter is in draft stage in my head. Just a matter of pen to paper and when. I'm so over waking up in the morning and wondering "Am I going to have a job in a few hours?". And I'm over wondering who will leave next. Or when things are going to come crashing down. At least if I pull the pin I'm in control and I know when things are finishing. Right now it's just yet another stress that I don't want or need.

So tired! I'm taking a sleeping tablet pretty much every second night to try and sleep properly, and yet I'm still waking up every hour or two, tossing and turning and just not getting a good sleep. And then in the morning it's as much caffeine as I can pack into one or two cups of coffee (I'm good and don't have any after lunch) just to try and stay awake. Had enough.

Hmmmstuff (I know, original, huh?)

So far today I'm going better. Head's in a better space, and my stomach and joints aren't bothering me quite so badly. Coffee is helping. :) I think I'd be dead without that. A glass of scotch and the fish work wonders too. And sleep. Can't forget sleep.

Am a bit worried about a bruise on my arm. See, it randomly appeared a few months ago now, about a centimetre in diameter. But I hadn't done anything to get a bruise, and it didn't hurt. It sort of faded, but never really went away. Yesterday I noticed that it's darker again, but it's grown and the edges are lighter than the middle. I've also noticed my arm dips in a bit where the bruise is. It's down near my wrist, and yet again I've done nothing to end up with a bruise, and it's not sore. Worried about it because it's just plain weird.

Weighty issues. Blergh. Those bright little notes that I stuck up on the wardrobe door? They've done nothing. So as of yesterday I've gone back to what I know might work. The "this is what I weigh, this is what I want to weigh, and this is my progress" stuff stuck up on the wall for all to see. I think I work better when the rest of the world can see it and I can't run away from it. So. I'll extend the world to include the Internet rather than just my bedroom.

- Currently I weight 92.8 kilos.
- Aiming to dispose of 22.8 kilos by 31 May 2010.
- Weigh ins to occur on Sundays and weight to be recorded.
- Fast food = never again. (At least, not in the forseeable future ;D )

On a slightly better path to getting my own place too. Found a bank paying much higher interest than I was getting, so set up an account and should have the money I need just that tad bit sooner. *does the happy dance*

And my blog wouldn't be my blog without an update on the fish. It appears that what I have read about the catfish is true. They do indeed like zucchini. And I do indeed spoil them. :D

PS- Still no kitten! :P

Health

Mentally I'm feeling pretty awful today. Physically, not much better. Pardon me while I go and find a bottle of something...

Pain (AKA She learns how to put pictures in!)

Hmm..... So. Went and saw the rhumy yesterday. On the plus side? He wants to interfere with the Pred 'cause he wants me off it. This is a good thing. If he hadn't interefered I'd be sitting at 15mg for the next few weeks, which is better than 40mg, but not as good as none. Instead I'm backing down by 2.5mg per week until I'm down to 5mg and we go from there. On the downside? He's suddenly decided that I don't have inflamitory arthritis, despite the x-ray proof, and his previous opinions, and oh, I don't know, the excruciating pain. So. Not only do painkillers not make an appearance, it now seems like he won't be pushing for the humira or infliximab. Bad. Very bad. Because the GI wants me on one for the Crohn's so it doesn't get bad again, but because of all the hoops, we can't get it for the Crohn's. He was relying on the rhumy getting it for me for the arthritis. So was I. Won't go into the temper tantrums, but let's just say it was better I wait a day to post than post straight after I got home.

Also a bit mentioned about sleep and pain and vicious cycles. Oh, and the warmth and massage and exercise to help with the pain. *dumb look goes here* Sure, I don't want drugs if I don't need them, but fuck me, how much pain do I need to be in and how messed up do I have to be for somebody to damn well do something?

I'm just so tired of nearly getting my head around something and then have everything change.

My fish are being cute, as usual. Them, and a glass of scotch and coke settles me. I still get lost in watching them. I swear, I'll glance at the tank and then ten minutes later realise that the quick glance has turned into a ten minute staring contest. With fish. :D

Here are said fish and fishtank
(finally learnt how to put pictures in too!).


Above is one of the cute baby catfish.
Find him! I dare you! :)


And my all too cute black moor, all cured now. :D

Eh.

Coffee goes so much better with milk in it.

My stomach goes so much better when I eat foods that I know are safe. Though, I am starting to think about trying the whole gluten free gig that I hear of so many Crohnies doing. Can't kill me, and might help settle things.

Went to the pet shop yesterday with the intention of buying a catfish for the fish tank. I should not be let loose in a pet shop that has baby fish. The "Awww! But they're so cute!" thing took over, and I ended up with three baby bristlenose catfish. No more fish now. Tank is too full. But they're babies, and they're cute! *squeals go here*

Erm.... Work still exists? Haven't pulled the pin. Really, I don't want to, but I will if I have to. Will sit for now I think. Maybe. So I'm indecisive. Shoot me. :P

Yay!

Yay! Went to see the GI yesterday arvo after work, and I'm down to 15mg of Pred a day now. Yay! Happy dance for me though? My joints have decided that they hate me today (again/as usual). Was also told unfortunately that there's no chance of me qualifying for humira/infliximab with the Crohn's alone, so the GI's hopeful that the rhumy can get one or the other (most likely infliximab) for me with the arthritis. See him on Friday, so I'm hoping the ball can start rolling then. I'm getting fed up with the pain, and I'd very much like to come off the Pred completely, but the GI's hesitant to do that until I'm on something else (so much for not wanting to turn me into a druggie...).

Yeah..... Nothing new really apart from that. Other than I'm glad I took the sleeping tablets last night. Still woke up heaps and didn't really sleep that well, but I think I would have only had about two hours again if I hadn't taken them.

Big red buttons...

So my finger is creeping all the more closer towards that giant red button with the word PANIC written on it in bold. Seriously, it's a matter of millimetres.

Still in pain today (whole shebang), but not quite as bad as over the weekend, so I've dragged myself in to work. Find out this morning that my boss (who's ironically enough off with a bad neck, hope he gets better) resigned last week. This bothers/worries me to a fair degree. I still know nothing about the industry I work in, and I rely heavily on him half the time to tell me what things are and how to do things. I'm a little worried that I'll look completely stupid once he's gone (in two weeks) as opposed to just slightly stupid. Then there's the Crohn's. He's been utterly fantastic with it. And the arthritis. Once he's gone I don't know how everyone else will deal with it.

Originally I remember I didn't enjoy this job. And then I got to know the people, and some of the people we deal with, and vaguely I'm getting to know what things are and what to expect. But really......

Pros of staying:
-Comfortable with people
-Easy with the Crohn's
-It's money

Pros of leaving:
-Can go on a holiday
-Can take some time to get fit(ter than I am now)
-Can take some time to get my head around things (I needed to do this months ago)
-Can (definitely) get a job that pays more
-Can (most likely) get a job closer to home (less money on transport, more money to save)
-Won't get stuck with a company that's going under
-Possibly better places for the Crohn's/arthritis
-Meet new people

Umm..... Actually not too sure why I'm still here, truth be told, looking at the above pros and cons. I think it's time I polish up the resume and push the big red panic button.

In other news.... Umm.... Not having a melt down today? Yet? Apart from the above stuff that is.

Am halfway through Breaking Dawn (last in the Twilight saga). Still enjoying it. Also managed to finish watching the Twilight movie. Definitely a case of don't judge a book by it's movie, but I suppose not entirely bad. Love Bella's Lullaby from it, plus the piano scene it's in. Otherwise I think I may be slightly indifferent to it.

My little black fish is nearly better. I think I'll be able to stop turning the water bright green in a few days. Am looking at getting a catfish for the tank too. Should help keep it cleaner. Mind, I'm getting used to cleaning it every second or third day (a little too often perhaps, but hey). Forgot to mention that I did manage to drag myself out on the weekend to a few fish shops. One of them is fantastic with the range in particular, including Nemo fish, and lion/scorpion fish, and starfish..... And they had huge tanks too which makes me itch even more to have a place of my own.

Erm.... Coffee tastes yucky without milk.

Also, Crohn's stuff..... Either chicken volevants (have no idea how to spell that) or apricot chicken severely disagree with me (even though I've previously said that apricot chicken goes okay). So sadly and with much regret, they both get added to the blacklist.

...blergle.

Help.

There. I said it. Help me, damnit!

Pain. Was meant to have a short week at work last week, with it being slow and all, but was offered the chance to go and play in stores (rather than my normal office work) on Thursday and Friday. It's an opportunity I relish because the day just goes so much faster, and it's something different, and I would have been paid for it as opposed to taking holiday leave or taking the days unpaid. Thursday, got up and got ready for work. Knees, hips and back had other plans. Ended up taking both Thursday and Friday off, and instead of getting better everything is just getting worse. Pain inventory stands at; neck, back (lower and upper), elbows, wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles. And throw in a headache for good measure.

Crohn's. I feel like I'm preparing for a colonoscopy. Damn, even the picoprep didn't quite work as effectively as whatever it is that's making me poop. Thought things would improve when I came off the antibiotics. Sure, no slime, and there's no blood, but hello waterfall from my butt! Yes, I know, way too descriptive, but at the present second I really don't care.

Continually on the verge of crying lately too, and I don't think I can blame the Pred for that, seeing as I'm easing off it. I'm stressing about random crap too. There's a lot of stuff going on lately that I just don't want to deal with, or would like someone to help me deal with it, and it's just not happening. Feeling muchly like I'm losing it. Just so many things that I shouldn't be crying over and yet it happens.

So yeah. Somebody? Please? Teeny bit of help? Just maybe before I turn into a complete basket case? So fed up with the pain, and the inconveniences, and not being me anymore.

Awake? Maybe...

Mmmm coffee...... Swear I'll wake up soon. :)

So. As of last Thursday we're back down to three day weeks at work. Wish things would pick up again. Sure it's nice having a four day weekend, but I place a higher value on the money I'd otherwise be earning. Eh. As a result of the three day weeks again, and telling the parents about it, my fish (and the snail!) are now at home. :D Battle has been won. The war, however, continues. When I said about the three day weeks, mum suggested I might need to bring the fish home. Dad grumbled, but really, there wasn't all that much he could whinge about. So Monday arvo I drove them home, cringing every time I heard the swishing of water. Got them home and possibly because of a combination of the very little water I'd left in the tank and the whole moving gig, they sat there glaring at me refusing to move until I topped up their tank and turned it green again. They seemed happier then. White spots are shrinking a little which is a good sign. :)

Friday was spent sleeping in, shopping and reading. See, some of my friends have started up this book club thing, and they've invited me along. The book/series they're discussing at the next meet up is the Twilight saga. Up until Friday I had been avoiding everything to do with Twilight like the plague. I mean come on! My idea of vampires sticks very closely to the Bram Stoker/Anne Rice style. Meyer on the other hand....... Sparkling vampires? *shrug* Anyway. Thought, what the heck, and went and bought Twilight and started reading it once I got home. A few hours later I dragged myself somewhat reluctantly from it for dinner. Twilight was finished by Sunday morning (which is somewhat faster than I generally read). I now also own the rest of the books (am halfway through New Moon, spoilers for any of the books and I will not be a happy camper) as well as the dvd of Twilight. So I guess you could say that yes, I've jumped on the Twilight fandom band wagon. Though, I am not hopelessly in love with Edward. See, everytime I read or hear that name, I think of either Mr Ed (as in the talking horse) or Ed the loopy hyena from The Lion King, so you could possibly understand that I can't keep a straight face while reading. :D I am rather enjoying the books though, especially seeing as I was never going to so much as touch them.

Anyhoo. Saturday saw me bugger off to Sydney, just for the drive. Made it there, had lunch, came home. Half way home the dizzy and the nausea kicked in, so it made travelling at 110/hr and staying in one lane quite a challenge. Got back home(ish) and went to a coffee shop in dire need of coffee. Revived myself, then wandered to the new liquor store and bought Bundy and some random scotch that was cheap. I now have a well stocked liquor cupboard. Went home and died a little.

Slept from 11:30 to 2:30 on Saturday night, all of that interrupted by quite a big lot of pain, mostly coming from my stomach. Bitch.

Sunday saw me stagger to the shops for ginger anti-nausea stuff, the rest of the Twilight stuff, and powerboards for my fish tank filter/light. Also saw a small birthday thing with the family, then to bed early. Presents involved jewellry, a snazzy comfy computer chair (which rocks, quite literally, as well as being awesome), and a new alarm clock/radio.

And then Monday rocked around. Yay, birthday, am now 22. Felt much older than I am, mostly because I was aching everywhere. Worked, and did all the normal everyday stuff. In all, birthday was an ordinary day, but hey. It was okay. Took the fish home (as mentioned above), and enjoyed a few drinks (the nausea and dizzy held off on my birthday, how nice of them...).

Yesterday, felt like crap. Arthritis causing issues, tiredness, cold, nausea, dizziness.... Got home at quarter to five and went to bed (okay, so I was reading, but I was still in bed trying not to throw up).

Today? Eh. It's barely started. My hips hurt, quite a bit actually, and my fingers and wrists are twinging a bit. Back's aching a tad, knee and ankle.... Can't feel my toes, they're too cold. Coffee.... isn't registering yet. Perhaps I need another one? Or maybe I just need to go home before I can't drive... Eh.